Friendship and emotional affairs

In this world, there are many types of friendship. Having a lot of good friends is a good thing and joy in life. They brighten your days and be there when you are in need. Friendship between guys and girls are normal in the current world norm. However, each party should watch what they are doing especially when they have their own partner, to make sure they know the border and not cross the line.

The friendship between guys and girls are appropriate as long as it doesn't risk any ongoing relationship. This type of friendship can start from just a random online friend, work mates, or long term friendship. But, who can tell where to draw the line between these two people? Do they even know what they are doing? Do they know what they share together might lead to something else? Is it pure platonic friendship or it starts to branch to emotional affairs?

Emotional affair is the non physical affairs between two people. It is the emotional tendency that grow between two people that started off from being friends. It also describes as the relationship between people other than their own partner. It is the affair at heart where your heart is This damages the relationship of one's with their partner. It is emotional cheating, and this easily leads to physical affairs.

Emotional affair is usually hidden from one to their partner, which means they try to hide this kind of feeling by masking them as friendship. Those who are involved in emotional affairs tend to hide the special friend from the partner which involves telling limited or false information to the extend of hiding the communication and conversation from the partner.

Emotional relationship happens to those who aren't really satisfied with their primary relationship. It mostly starts from workplace. Nowadays people spend so much time at work, online and investing their non-tired time less to the relationship. The main relationship is becoming the "leftovers". After from work, people come home tired and irritated and prefer to rest at home. Work is becoming their hang out occasions where they can have have lunch and talk about their problems. This people tend to dress nicely for work and show their best behaviour. They share common things and speak the same language like how tired they are, work pressure etc, therefore this type of emotional affair sparks. This leads to affairs between two coworkers aside of their personal life and relationship problems.

Here are some signs that you are an emotional cheater:

1. You keeps aspects of your intimate life for your "friend" and do not share it with your partner.
2. Your friendship shifts from platonic to romantic therefore you feel less connected to your real partner.
3. You think about your "friend" most of the time and you fantasize about them.
4. You feel recognised and appreciated and loved by your "friend" therefore you do not feel the need to bond with your real partner. You feel a distance between you and your partner.
5. You withhold and "cut off" valuable aspects of who you are, particularly your intimate time with your partner. You are not sexually interested and stop having sex with your partner.
6. You discuss about the things that you do not like about your partner or your relationship with your "friend".
7. You tell more things to your "friend" about what goes on regarding your work and your life than you do with your partner.
8. You feel that your "friend" has taken your heart.
9. You are dishonest about the extend of friendship and feeling for your "friend" to your partner.
10. You would be embarassed if your partner read your emails, notes or eavesdropped your conversation with your "friend".
11. When you are with your "friend" your body language communicates stronger than the friendship.

When a relationship where one partner has emotional affair with others, the relationship tends to have these characteristics:

1. Deception and secrecy. This includes not telling your partner about how much time you spend with your affair and inappropriate things that happen between the two people. They manipulate the situations. They may tell the partner that they are going to work or doing things in a group while in fact they go out with someone else. They also may not include the real partner in the conversation or trying to hide the real relationship to the affair or other people. The deception clearly shows that they are doing something wrong that undermines the existing relationship. In other words, if the meeting with your friend has no harm to your relationship, both parties should be able to tell their partners the truth about who they meet, what they do outside.
2. Fight more. When someone involved emotionally with a third party, they almost forget their primary partner. This person blame everything on the real partner therefore it leads to fighting and distant in the relationship.
3. Denial. The cheating partner tend to deny the affair and becoming offensive. They try to deny the sparks that grow in the friendship and becoming defensive.

Equality

All the plan from the beginning before we came here have changed thanks to your family, the caused of everything. The plan to come to Sydney together, find a place together, go back during the holiday together,everything is ruined. Poor me who had to take all the blame for everything. And because of everything, the relationship that we treasured and cherished changed as well.

Yeah, I did admit my mistake for playing around out of anger. I went out with another guy because of what your family has done to me. I played around and went out with another guy twice, I admit it. But at least I went out when we were not together. Even not when we were officially not together, but at least we were apart from one another, and not when we were officially in a relationship. And don't forget, when we were in a relationship, I flirted but I never involved my feeling to try to fall for others, to seek for attention from others, or to make others fall for me. I flirted but it never caused anything to our relationship.

From your side, you played twice as well. It is fair enough, I played twice and you played twice. But you played when we were officially together in the relationship. You told me that you know your limit and what you were doing. For both times, the girls, your affairs turned you down. Try to imagine if both keep continuing texting and chatting all the time? You said you know what you were doing. But somehow, if you know what you were doing and you know what you did might cause harm to the relationship, you should take action to stop instead of waiting for the other party to turn you down, sad and then only turn back to me and told me you knew your limit.

It is fair that both of us played twice. But there were difference still.I played around because I was so much hurt by your family,but when I came back, I was and am fully faithful and committed to us. When you came back, you told me you would be faithful but instead it happened again the same exact way like the first one. I flirted with guys before when we were together, but I didn't text people 24/7 and do things that would make you feel uncomfortable, and I didn't put our relationship at risk because I knew my limit to not involved my feeling. You played and flirted around doing things that made me feel uncomfortable, and still keep doing it with some feelings involved to the point that you forgot that you were still in a relationship. If it was just playing around with no feeling involved, I wouldn't mind. But the thing was, you went all gaga and fell hard for them.

I didn't say much even for the second affair because I reflected back onto myself that I played twice as well (although I played because of what your family has done to me). I think it's fair enough for both of us. After the two incidents that we had from both side, I do wish that these are the last time we played around outside. There is nothing wrong with being faithful and committed to each other especially if we know that is the person that you are most comfortable with. What will we gain while playing outside and fall for other people that we barely know and being infactuated for a bit but ruined the relationship that has been there for years? It's just like the saying of "When we are busy picking up the stones, we don't realise that we might lose the diamond". I'm smart enough to learn the lesson from all this, I hope you are smart one as well. Remember the line "Once bitten twice shy"? Don't just make it a saying, keep up with it :)

Lying and relationship

I've done a lot of readings about lying in a relationship, trust issues, why partner lies, etc. I've done this because of one reason, there is a trust issue in the relationship. He doesn't seem to trust me when he said he gives me his full trust, and I can hardly trust him because he has too many issues to hide from me. No one's perfect, even me. I don't deny that I made mistakes, I admit to it and it was stupid, but I work hard to make things up. While on the other hand, he made mistake and admitted it (only after a while) but he never seem to learn from the lesson.

What is trust in a relationship? 

Trust is knowing that you can depend on someone, to go to bad for you or simply be there for you. Trust is believing. It is about the truths. Trust is about telling the truth. 

Lie is one of the most killer factors in a relationship. Once you start telling lie, you won't be able to stop. The fact is lie and deception, false pretense, and keeping information are all in the same category, it's all the same thing. There are some reasons for people telling lies, especially in a relationship.

1.     To save the partner from being hurt

Some people believe that lying for this reason is considered as white lies. Some do this because they believe that their partner is too sensitive or can’t handle the truth. But in fact, people tell lies to save themselves, not their partner or the relationship. It’s better to tell the partner the truth than telling lies.

2.     Some people lie because they are selfish

This type of liar is problematic. It’s always easier for them to tell lies than the truth. This people lies on every things for their own good so they can get away from any problems they might encounter.

The truth is, somebody who lies has a lot of other stuff going on and it’s not easy to come clean. For a liar to change, they need a lot of help. Lying is manipulation. The more they tell lies, the more things they need to cover. When you lie in a relationship, it means that you are up to no good and most likely you are going to create an unnecessary insecurity and make the situation worse, for both you and your partner and the relationship. For example, if a man cheats on a woman for any reasons, but still has feelings for her, then he has a reason to lie. He may still actually want to be with her, but if he tells her it could destroy the relationship and her trust therefore they think lying about cheating could allow them to continue to have a happy relationship without her finding out about it.

Below are the signs of if they people are not genuine:

3.     They say one thing and do another

4.     They may be to agreeable all the time

5.     When challenged, their body language shifts and/or they get real defensive

6.     They make excuses for their actions

7.     They can keep their stories straight

8.     When confronted, they project the issue on you to place blame

9.     They leave out pieces of necessary information that would complete their story

10. They always find a way to play the victim

11. They carry a jealous, resentful and fearful disposition

How to fix a relationship after lying?

When you have told lie to your partners, it is difficult to win their trust back. Rebuilding trust in a relationship is difficult. Not all relationships can be fixed, but many can. It takes time, sincerity and consistency to rebuild the trust. Best ways to do after lying in a relationship:

1.     Stop telling lies and confess

2.     Decide what changes need to be made in a relationship

3.     Accept the consequences

4.     Answer all the questions with the truth

5.     Don’t be defensive

6.     Don’t lie anymore

It is difficult to maintain the relationship after all the trust issues and lies. To rebuild the relationship after the conflicts and negativitiy can be done by:

1.     Slow and consistent, take time to get things back to normal

2.     Be loyal to win the trust back. A relationship with secrets is destined for failure

3.     Keep things upbeat by having positive attitude towards each other to keep happiness and affections for long run

4.     Approach the problems and difficulties together to have a stronger bond in the relationship

5.     Don’t take each other for granted

6.     Appreciate and respect the differences rather than trying to change them and how they behave

7.     Be approachable for the partner to be able to talk and share freely, listen and understand and do not judge

8.     Keep the commitment by reassuring each other of their love and commitment

Infatuation

Wow............... !!!!!!!!!

That's my first impression to this. It happened once and yet now it happened again? Expected much!

What should I say about this guy then? Too childish? Too much of himself? Too perasan? Lol.
Just because he doesn't look like the way he did last time so e thinks that he could get any girls he wants now? Funny isn't it?

I know that this thing is going to happen again the minute he started to text a girl constantly. Keep telling me to trust him that things won't happen for the second time and he knows his limit, is this the limit he's talking about? The limit to be infactuated with girl for the second time just because of texting? I guess people never learn their mistake,huh?? It's fun to make the same mistake again and again and create chaos, huh?

Ok here, let's say, if the first girl actually didn't turn him down, what would happen by now? They would be together, have one girlfriend at home and one at work? It was lucky that she turned him down. How about the second one? What if she didn't turn him down, or what if he doesn't know his limit, what would happen?

Why can't guys open their eyes big and see things in bigger picture? They think they can do whatever they want and change it the minute things start to happen? Why do they like to take people for granted? How would they feel if they are the one being taken granted on? Surely they would go crazy and furious and call for break up every single time people take them for granted.

We girls are more rational about things. We clearly know our limit when we say we do, unlike guys who never make use of their big brain to think. We girls are more patient about things, how people treat us and everything else.

This is a song dedicated for guys out there who like to play.

Foolishness

Girls feeling are always very strong, I believe in that. And what I talked about before actually come true. For guys out there who think they have the right to fool around with girls feeling, you might as well go to hell and rot there. Girls are not robot, we have feelings. We are not our toy to play around with, and just kick us away when you get bored.

Some guys are usually closed with girls and have a lot of girlfriends, even it happen to girls as well who have a lot of guy friends, but not everyone. when you get closed to someone even as friends, you should place a gap to make sure they don't take you wrongly to prevent anything from happening. Maybe for some people its normal, but for some can be something else. And if you think after that you can defend yourself by telling them no, sorry only as friends, it's just not the right thing to do.

For guys out there who actually think it's ok to do that, where is your brain? is it hiding inside your ass? Wanna try to be a player, huh? Or you think you are so cool and so hot, huh? Attention seekers! Feel proud to be able to get someone to like you? Bullshit!

If you guys can make use of your brain, please don't make use of it for something stupid like it's ok to play with girls feeling. IT'S NOT OK AT ALL! You can say that you never have the intention of doing that but remember, you have full control of yourself on how you do things, you have full control of your own limit. It's true that you can't control how people feel towards you, but if you never plan to make them to feel like you want them, you should know what to do and not do. You should be able to make use of your brain to think if you get too closed to them, how do they feel about it, what if they take it differently?

Even if those dumbass don't do this to me, as a girl I still think it's seriously wrong. I'm a girl, I know how it feels and how painful it is for someone to be closed to you, showing the attention like you are so special but in the end you just tell them off sorry I have no other intentions but be friends. Try us to play with your feelings that way and see how you feel about it.

Don't be selfish on whatever you do, think of others as well. Remember, the world doesn't evolves around you only, watch after what you do!

Bad day

Omg, suddenly feeling so sick, I don't know why. But there a super big disappointment really. I was sleeping then woke up back and forth to the toilet to vommit. He could see I'm really not feeling well but he just doesn't care and leave. What if one day he comes back and I'm no longer there, will he actually care? Even like today he does't care at all, even when I get sick his friends are still much more important. What is this then?

Few months back when he woke me up and told me he was not feeling well, I immediately got up and checked on him to make sure he was ok, to take care of him, got some medicine and made some nice warm tea for me, stayed by his side and accompanied him, made sure he got everything that he needed, but when I get sick, this is what he gives me?

He saw me so sick, he couldn't even use his phone to tell his friends such things like,"I'm sorry my gf suddenly is not feeling well, I won't be able to make it this time, I have to look after her" or this sort of things. He could if he really wants to, but he doesn't. If they are really good friends, they should understand. It's al within himself afterall, not his friends to be blamed, he is just too kiasu. Even if I actually ask him to stay just now, I could expect a reason such as this thing has been planned so can't change plan last minute or you will be ok trust me, all this excuses so he can go out still. Geez.....

Right before he left, I only told him to come back early because I'm not feeling well. All he answered as,"see first, I don't know what the plan is tonight with the girls". Maybe even if I suddenly text him telling him I'm going to die now, he doesn't even care...

Huge disappointment!!!

Immaturity in guys

I know one or two guys who think that they are so mature and yet they act the opposite way. They always think that they are such a big guy who always do think for others and always the considerate one, while in fact, they might not ask for something in return now, but they make the whole lot of fuss about what they have done for others and asking for something back. Maybe yeah, few times they are nice and considerate but most of the time they are childish, very selfish and never consider about how others might feel.

There are few signs of guys being immature, most of them are very obvious about how childish they are. Even when I browse through the net, it says the same thing like what I go through, therefore it's not me who is being to paranoid, overjealous, who gets pissed easily, and super sensitive, but the problem is from those childish people who are too blind to realise problems within themselves. Some of the signs are:

1. Blame game
This is for those who never realise their doings and instead blame it on others. Whatever others do is wrong and they are right. Every single thing is always others fault without reflecting on what they do. If they are mature enough, they should be able to use their brain to think of what happen, the cause on effect in their actions and admit it. Some realise they do mistake but they just can't admit that they are wrong therefore they blame it on others.

2. Selfishness
Everything is about me, me, me and me. This is the type of mindset they have. They are not considerate, they never think of others. What I do is right and for my good, go to hell with others. It's not to say that it's a bad thing, but there is a limit of being selfish as well. Some people can take your selfishness and al your will, but some don't, some even hate it. Try to put yourself on other's shoes where they just push push push everything to you.

3. Manipulate condition
What it means here is when they know that people spot their wrong doings and confront them, instead of admitting, they use other reasons that make others feel bad just to feel safe and throw the blame on others. This happens all the time if you know some immature people. They just don't want to be wrong, always want to be right even if they are at the wrong side. It's easy, what they do is twist the truth or play the mind game to make you feel bad and forgive their doings, while in fact, we do nothing at all. Another common thing that they do to manipulate condition is trying to shift the conversation to other things hoping that we don't talk about their mistake anymore.

4. Have fun
All this people love to do is just to have fun. They never think of their future. They only think of today, or maybe tomorrow and that's it. They go out with friends whenever they wish, do whatever they want. And if you dare to say no to their fun, you will be having hell time with them, and things surely go back to #1, the blame game. They just want to hang out and do fun things with a bunch of people who they call as friends without considering and thinking if these friends are genuine. Maybe they forget that fun friends are just for fun, nothing else, they won' even bother if you die the next day.

5. Get mad easily
Whatever others do is wrong to them. Even for a little tiny thing, they get angry and furious. Everything seem to be wrong to them. They even get angry for the right thing if it's not like how they want it to be. When everything goes as they how want it to be then only things are right for them, if not everything seem to be negative and cause their temper to boil.

6. Can't stick to commitment
This is the most common sign that you can find in immature guys. This happens because they can't make up their mind on what they want, sometimes they want everything then the next second they don't want it anymore. They can't make up their mind and stick to it. They follow the flow or other influence's easily. They can't even stick to their own words, and most of the time when being confronted, they find excuses. They refuse to the commitment if they know that they can't stick to it or mainly because of their selfishness. As I said earlier, whatever they do or anything that happen, all must be like how they want it to be, their way, or it's a no no.

Chances

Everyone deserves a second chance. Nobody's perfect. Even God gives us chances after chances to make us the right person, to make everything right from our wrongs. We should give people chances for them to prove themselves as well. But we are not God, we are human where there is limit in our patience. We don't have the patience like Him.

When we give people chances, we are hoping that they would prove us wrong about them. We are giving them time to show us that our judgement is wrong. But what if they don't make use of those chances? What if they take the chances for granted? What if they think they could get the third, fourth, fifth, sixth and countless times of chances? Some people just like to take advantage of the situation and people for granted. Just because they think they are forgiven for the first time, they think we would do the same for the next wrong doingS.

Second chance, third chance, fourth chance, countless chance I've given him to prove himself. I've given him chances to prove me wrong that he is not that type of guy like others. I've given myself and him time for him to really make use of the chances. But I seem to be taken for granted again. He seems to take these chances so easily, as if it's easily given for nothing. Words remain as words if no action is taken, it's meaningless and worthless.

I've given him chances to prove me wrong that he is still the person who keeps his words just like how he hates people who don't keep their words. One time, two times, three times, countless times. And now when we argue, I can't believe he actually said that it's very hard to compromise with me. I was like What the hell!!!. I'm more than willing to compromise and I stick to our agreement. He finds it difficult to compromise with me because he knows that he can't stick to it and he's being greedy and wants all for his good only without considering my feeling. I mean it doesn't make sense if only now he says that it's hard to compromise with me. I'm the easiest person to find win win situation with in everything and stick to it and I expect the same, just like how he expects me in everything like how he wants it. Omg, such a childish creature........

What is love???

Love is patient; love is kind. Love is not jealous; is not proud; is not conceited; does not act foolishly; is not selfish; is not easily provoked to anger; keeps no record of wrongs; takes no pleasure in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. ~I Corinthians 13:4-7

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Loves is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It dose not take offense and is not resentful. Love take no pleasure in others people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.”

― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember


Some people mention love but they are still selfish, what is it then???

To u

Dear u,

I don't know how to talk things out so I prefer to express my feelings here. I don't care if you are gonna read,at least writing it out makes me feel better. I just don't feel like talking to you face to face about some stuffs because you never want to listen and understand,make me feel like talking to a wall. Somehow when I talk to you I feel like you don't understand human language,even a dog can understand human language better than you.

This one month has been very tiring. I'm tired of all the arguements. I'm tired of everything. I just don't feel happy and contented anymore. You have been very selfish. You never want to understand me at all. You never stick to your words at all while you always think that you are so mature. BULLSHIT!

You always say that I'm annoying. You say that I like to nag and find things to argue about and it makes you tired as well. But the thing is you never realise the cause of our arguementS. You know clearly I'm not happy that you are being closed with girls especially after the cheating incident. But you told me you have no friends and should let you chat. Then we made agreements which are you won't reply n respond to them when we spend time and after work whenever you are with me at home,also only go out in group.

The point is, although I'm not happy but I still commit to our agreements,and you don't stick to it therefore I get annoyed and become annoying to you. If you stick to your words, we won't argue at all, everything will be just good as before. It's you who caused all the arguements and yet I'm the one to be blamed and called annoying which is not fair at all. I do nothing wrong. Unless if I say you can't chat or go out with them at all then you have the right to be annoyed at me because I don't stick to our win win situation agreement. This time It's all from you and within yourself and yet I get blamed.

If you can make use of your brain to think and be smarter, you will eventually realise that it's you that caused all the stress to yourself. If you know that we argue because of one thing, then stop it or try to improve things. But in this case, you know you don't stick to your words, you know why we argue but still you keep doing it, you don't show efforts to make us not argue anymore. And when you do it again and again, of course I get very pissed and that's when you find me annoying,which I think I have solid reason to be annoyed. I'd you know that's the caused of our problem then you should solve it instead of doing it and dragging the time.

All the anger and stress that you have is all from you, not me. I don't do anything wrong. Usually when I'm not happy, I'm just asking you to stick to your words, as simple as that but I don't know why you find it difficult. It's just a simple agreement. You yourself know you don't stick to your words and its not ok but you act like its nothing at all.

Please make use of your head to think about it again about what I've written here. All I want is you to understand me. All the time you want me to understand that you need friend, you like to have fun, and other blablabla, I try so hard to understand you, but you don't even try to understand me a single time,which is not fair at all. You told me you want this relationship to work, you want to make up for the cheating incident, then please do something about this....

Underappreciated

Whenever you are there all the time for someone, they tend to take you for granted thinking that no matter what happen, we are always there for them. But do they ever realise how tiring it is to be the person being taken for granted? What if we change place and we take them for granted, do you think they will stay still for you in any condition and when you treat them badly?

Some people don't realise what they do but some actually do but choose to ignore and continue with what they do. I sometimes wonder if they ever think that the person might leave one day and never come back and when they regret things will be too late, as the saying that regret only come later when people lose something.

Same comes to love and feelings. What will you do if your other half just do whatever that make them happy without considering about how you feel about it? Will you choose to stay or go? Even if you choose to stay, to what extend you can tolerate their behaviour? How much pain can you endure? How long do you plan to stay? First chance, second chance, third chance, how many chances can you give for them to change and be better?

Some people are very unappreciative to what they have and people around them. It's good enough that some still choose to stay after being treated very badly. Some people choose to stay because they believe that as time goes their partner will slowly change back like before. But what if the person never change at all after the long period of waiting? It's tiring isn't it? Especially when it comes to the person who you are willing to do everything for but they never appreciate all that you do for them.

Always remember, treat people right and people will do the same to you. What goes around comes around. Don't regret things when it is already too late.

Problem??

One problem after another, it's very tiring. Why do people argue? Why do people get annoyed? Why do people get mad? It's all come to your own mindset. Love what you do and finally everything will be good in the end. But some people don't realise this. Greed and selfishness are the caused of this.

One day argue, one day good, another day argue and another day ok. I don't know what is going on. It's like playing a game. But you don't realise that my heart (I don't know about yours) is not a toy. It has feelings. My heart is not made of steel that can endure everything, all the pain and annoyance.  I'm not a soft toy which you cuddle when your mood is good and kick away when your mood is bad.

Your annoyance and anger towards me has nothing to do with me. I believe I don't do anything wrong to make you feel that way. It's within you yourself. Plus, I don't wake up to please everyone everyday, I don't even wake up to please my family everyday. Also, I hate it to have to feel like shit everyday for nothing but your doings.

Agreement has been made. Monday to Wednesday are the days that we spend time together no matter what  we do and you know clearly about it. If you are not happy about it then be it. You just have to make do with whatever you have. You can't have what you want all the time. You wanting to spend time with your friends is not my problem. Why do you even comparing the time we spend together and the time you spend with your friends? These are two totally different things. You can make our time together good if you want to, you can enjoy all the time that we have together if you focus on us. How can you focus on us while you are always busy on the chat with your friends?

We also agree the working days are the time you spend with your friends, then I can't interrupt as well if you prefer to go out during your free time on those days. I stick to our agreement to give you some space as well. I respect your needs as well.  I respect the time you want to spend with your friends, although I'm not happy that you spend time with girls, you also won't listen to me as your girlfriend then I can't do much about it as well.

I've been giving in so much since we are here. You want to spend time with your friends, go. You want to go out drinking, go. You want to have dinner with your friends, go. You want to wake up early for breakfast, go. Now you want to go out with all girls, I also can't have a say. You want to chat with girls all the time, I can't have a say as well. If I say even a single word, you turn into a beast.

Do you think it's all fair to me? You are the one that keep talking about being fair, mature and everything and look at it now. When I ask you out to do something or even just to have dinner outside, you refuse with the reason to save money, but whenever your friends ask you out, you never objected at all without thinking of the cost. Even when your friends ask you out for coffee or a drink, you will fly there asap if possible, and when I ask you out to do the same thing, you tell me you prefer to stay home and lazying around. Then after all this, you start complaining how bored it is to spend time with me doing nothing, I'm not fun at all, not like your friends who like to do a lot of things. I never did anything wrong, and yet I'm the one that is to be blamed for your boredom. Then you start to get annoyed and prefer to go out with your friends and show your unhappy face like you are forced to spend our time together. It's all within yourself, don't blame it on me.

I don't know what kind of relationship you are actually after. But if you are after a relationship where you can do whatever you want and let you have your own ways and only want to have your own views on things, I don't think I can last long here. This is not the sort of relationship that I'm looking for. I'm looking for a mature relationship where we have our time together and yet we have our own space to do our own things. I'm looking for someone who can compromise things, who try to understand me as much as I understand him. I don't want a relationship that always argue every single day for stupid reasons. I want the relationship where we respect each other and not hurt each other feelings. What's the point of being together if you argue or feel annoyed and being unhappy every single day? Being in a relationship is to enjoy each other's company and to feel happy, comfortable and loved.

I'm not your donkey which you can push all your anger and annoyance to. I'm your girlfriend, the person you choose to be by your side, the person you choose to be your main support and partner. I'm not the person to be treated like shit all the time. You have been giving me tons of shit and I don't say anything and love you as who you are and stay still. Try to drop just an ounce of shit to your fun friends and see if they are still going to be our friends, try and see what happen when everyone start to leave you because of your shit. Trust me, you can count with your fingers how many of them choose to stay and be your friends still after seeing your true colours. Appreciate what you have before you lose it. I'm not afraid to leave if you don't treat me right....

No more being nice

I think I've had enough of everything, all the nonsense and all the bullshit. Maybe being a nice person is not always a good idea. Being a good girlfriend is not a good idea as well. I should start to be a bitch and show my bitchiness so people won't take advantage of me and stop taking me for granted. Enough of being taken for granted, enough of being stepped on, enough of being patient, enough of being bullied, enough of everything. And never ever trust the person who once promised to take care of you and stand up for you. It's all bullshit, only the stupidest person on earth who believe in those things.

Enough is enough, one time was more than enough. All the lies, all the heartache, all the pain, all the sacrifices. I never hurt anyone's feeling just because I don't have a lot of friends. I never hurt people's feelings just because of my kiasuness. I never hurt  anyone just because of my own insecurities. My things, I deal it with myself, I don't drag or try to hurt the feeling of those who are around me. I remember someone told me about all this, but seems like some people tend to forget their own words. We don't sacrifice people's feelings just for your own selfishness. You don't have friends or you have a few insecurities or you kiasu, it's all within yourself. You don't have to drag others with you. You don't have to hurt other's feeling just because of your own things.

One saying, girls love guys who hurt them while guys love to hurt those who love them. I think it's very true to some extend. Some people just make use of the love they have from others too easily that they don't appreciate and take it for granted. People never appreciate what is present until they lose it, and usually when it happens, everything will be too late and only regret remains....

Culture difference

The way of everyone think is different from others. What you think is right might be wrong to others and what others think right might be wrong to you. All this also depends on the culture they believe in and the way they brought up as well as the environment and the people you surround yourself with. This is especialy difficult when it comes to relationship. Who can tell which is right and which is wrong???

Texting other girls/guys for everyday and night, who can tell me if it's right or wrong? One party might take it as nothing but another might think differently. Insecurity is an ugly thing, but it's not just about the insecurity. It is also about respecting your partner's feelings. What if your partner do the same thing, how will you feel about it? One day, two days, three days, one week, two weeks you can still tolerate it and not say anything, how about everyday, how will things become? How will the relationship be? Relationship that is full of hatred because one's voice is never been heard? Is it right or is it wrong?

On the other side, as friends and you text your friend everyday and night knowing they have a partner, who can tell me if it's right or wrong thing to do? Do you as friends ever think of whatever you do which seem ok to you might not be ok to your friend's partner? Do you give a respect to your friend's relationship and their partner regards whether you know them or not? Do you ever think of what if because of what you do then your friend's relationship is ruined? And if it does happen, how do you feel about it, do you ever feel regret and guilty to your friend and their partner?

For some people this issue is acceptable and not for others, depending on the way we see things. Personally, if I know that my friend has a partner, I watch after what I do towards my friendship. Even if they openly tell me that they are and their partner are ok about it, I still watch myself. I respect my friend's relationship and their partner's feeling even if I don't know him/her. I don't want to be called as the third party or be hated because of things that I think it's ok to be done. No matter how closed or how long or how well I know my friend, once I know that they have a partner, I make a gap to make sure that both the friendship between me and my friend and the relationship of my friend and the partner is not ruined or in trouble because of me. I don't want to lose my friendship, and I don't want my friend to lose the relationship as well.

And another thing, if you are in a relationship having a boyfriend/girlfriend, do you think texting with others day and night is the right thing to do even for just being friends? For you maybe it's ok but do you ever consider about how your other half think and feel about it? Even if they say it's ok, is it right to do that? And even worse if knowing that your partner doesn't feel comfortable about what you do but you still do it, is it ok to keep it on still? Do you respect his/her feelings then?

Somehow it seems different to others. Some actually don't worry about this at all or it never even crossed their mind. Or maybe it's just their culture, their culture to be ok to everything without thinking the need of respecting each other's feeling. Then can they be called as bitches and assholes? Let ourself think about it, no one is right or wrong, depends on how we see things :)

Friendly vs Flirty

What is friendly? And what is flirty?

There are a lot of different views and thoughts to this. Noone can really give proper explanation regarding these two matters. There is a very thin line between being friendly and being flirty. Even if you type on Google, there is no exact answers about this.

Here are some of the different views:
One person may say that flirting is harmless as long no one is hurt by it.  One person may say that it is not good to flirt under no circumstance because it can lead to the wrong things if you are not expecting anything out of it. 

there is a HUGE difference between flirting and being nice although many people couldnt tell.
- flirting is more like giving/showing you the green light that there could be something more than friendship between us, if you make the right move.
- being nice is simply making sure that you are comfortable (at ease) around that person, while NEVER crossing the important friendly line!

Flirting is suggestive. Being nice is being nice with no undertones.
Flirting seeks indulgence. Being nice at worst seeks appreciation.
Flirting craves excitement. U don't have to be excited about being nice.
Flirting is complusive, impulsive & excessive. It could also become obsessive. Being nice is none of this.

Flirting is self seeking. U want to feel good about what effect U can see U are having on the other person while doing those things U are doing. Lets not lie to ourselves, we all flirt sometime like animals do mating rituals; but even animals choose who they mate with & they have flirting/mating seasons. For those who say, ''I'm not flirting. I'm only being nice/polite,'' when it's clear to others that they are flirting, you're in denial. Addictions are of different forms. No be only alcohol dey high person.

And I think this is the best, the trick is never to assume that just because a person is being nice to you means they want you.

Everyone except......

I always thought that I'm the one, I'm the special one,but seems like I'm wrong. I'm just an exception. I'm an exception for everything. Everyone have the right to know about you but me. You let everyone see you but me. You blocked me from everything as if I don't have the right to know any updates about you. Blocked me here and there, rejected me here and there, I know all this. You hide me from your world, I know as well. Everyone know everything about you, except RENITA KURNIAWAN

I thought I'm supposed to be the one to know you the most but it doesn't seem to be that way. Maybe I should not say a word about it. You have the right to keep things from me, I have no right to be angry about it. I'm just a nobody who simply loves to stay by your side, who you look and reach out for when others are away or when you have some problems but noone to share with.

I'm a no body that can't ask for much. It's good enough that you let me stay by your side and have your company. I believe even if I'm not around you would be ok by yourself because you have much more companions, the people whom you can have more fun with. I'm nothing but a boring girl who you can't have fun with. Maybe that's the reason you prefer others compare to me.

I don't know why you are keeping me by your side, is it because you really love me and want me to be around or you are afraid to be lonely? If you really do love me, how come I sometimes feel like an outsider to you? You promise me not to lie, not to hide things, no secret but you still do.

All I know is that I love you a lot more than anything. All I want is for you to be happy. All I want is to see you smile and happy everyday even if it's not because of me. Do you really feel happy having me around and being with me? I'm willing to let you go as long as I know that you are happy even without me being around. Being treated like a stranger by the person who you expect to give the most attention to you hurts so much. All I want is for you to understand me a little bit more.

Dear Lord,
If this guy is meant to be with me and we are to be together, please ease our way. Please open his heart and mind to understand me a little bit more about this relationship and my insecurity. Please let him be more understanding and sensitive towards my feeling. But if he is not the one for me, please take him away from me slowly so I won't feel so much of the pain. All I want is for him to be happy and that's it. Only You know the best.......

Another obsession

The 3rd anniversary just passed yesterday and everything was good. Spending time the whole day and out for dinner was how the day went. Everything was perfect and happy. The day ended good as well. But why again???

I found out another fact, OBSESSION again!!!!

WHY WHY WHY????

I believe it just started. I can't believe this is happening again. Is it becoming a habit now??

Another shit just sailed away and things started to be good, the trust was slowly coming back, but why again? Is trust that worthless nowadays??

I can see another shit coming soon. I'm tired of all the shit, don't you know that? Don't be in a relationship when you still want to play around. I'm not toy, I have a heart

Old memories

I've been thinking about you for the past one week. You were my memory, my high school sweet heart. You were the person that I adored for 3 and half years. Even when were apart for one year, I never once stopped thinking about you.

You were almost perfect. You had almost all the qualities that every girls wanted. You were good in a lot of things. You excelled in sports, you did pretty good in study, you played music, you were an active church member. What else could I ask for that time? I was your first girlfriend ever and you treated me in a way that I was the one, the princess that you could ever have. We were perfect for each other.

I still remembered when we always sat at the back together every Biology class and did art work together in our Art class. We sometimes spent time out together as well with other friends, but you were always by my side and ignored the rest. That was the sweet high school time we had. After that, I went to Sydney and we lost contact until when we finally MSN webcall  with Ning and we started to talk again after more than half a year. From then onwards, we looked for each other all the time, no night without MSNing together, talked til late night, very late actually. Then when I went back to Malaysia, I still remember how tight your first hug was.

The time in Malaysia was good. Despite that we could only meet each other every two weeks and it was only for 2days, we really spent quality time together. But in my mind, I was too afraid to lose you, whenever I went to bed, all I could think of was you would surely leave me one day for UK. We were afraid therefore we made full use of the time we had together to create memories, sweet memories.

Everything was good up to the time you had to go. I sent you to airport, it broke my heart. It was really hard to see you go. I cried inside me. I cried every night to sleep. Right a week after you left, my mom passed away. It was a double hit for me to lose two person at the same time. And the time when I needed you the most, you were not there for me. You didn't really look for me because you were busy with everything in Taiwan and UK. That's why I chose to call it off because everything was too much for me, even after months things happened.

In the 3 and half years we were together, we never really argued, everything was good. Never once you mistreated me at all. Never once you hurt me at all. You never expected me to be anything, you accepted me for who I was. You never asked for anything from me. I really miss your company. Now when I think about it again, you were the most perfect guy I've met and been together. I still remember our 4yrs promise to meet up, I really do hope that we can meet up still, even we are not together anymore, all I want is a big big hug because I really miss you a lot.

Back to one

Things have been better compare to before, but I don't want to hope too much. Like I said earlier, I'm too afraid to be broken for the second time. I learnt a lot from what has happened, but one thing I always remember, Don't love too much, Don't care too much or it will hurt much.

Healing, slowly but surely. I'm slowly gathering the puzzle pieces of me back into one again like last time. When I was at the lowest point, I never thought I would heal ever. I thought I would be stuck down there for pretty long, but it eventually did. I was there for monthS, crying and thinking and crying and crying asking God what I've done wrong for him to give em all this. I was totally miserable. I was stressed and depressed, couldn't eat and sleep for weeks and cried to sleep every night. Blessing in disguise, I slimmed down :)

Once people told me that time heals, once in a while we need to cry out loud to let the tears clean our soul to be a better person and start anew. When I think about it, it's kinda true. Maybe I've just passed the crying moments, time to take a step forward to be stronger. It was hard but one thing I'm very sure of is that it's all worth it. I learnt that I can be strong inside to have my head and heart walk together next to each other.

Although we are slowly getting back together, but I don't feel that happy as how I'm supposed to feel. It's just there is something is lacking still, the chemistry, the love, the bond. Things are too slow here. I start to think to myself whether it's all worth it. When I came back, I came back immediately without the need of making him wait and wait, but now it's different. I don't know how long I should wait for him to be back like last time again, the loving caring him that I used to love a lot. Or maybe he is just not the same person anymore. Love itself is not enough to make a relationship works, it needs the affections as well. I always wonder to myself whether he is still my Nicholas or he is just another stranger.... I miss the old him a lot, I miss the happy times that we spent together, I miss the strong us that went through all the ups and downs together :(

Live life

So many things going on. I lost my best friend, may she be in the better place now, i love u afafa :(

I don't update my blog that often anymore. One thing that I learn is don't think too much, whatever happens then let it be.

About love, loving someone is when we want that person to be happy even we are not part of their happiness.

A few ways I learn to appreciate things around me:
1. Whatever happens, happens
2. If a person love you, they will show you by actions, not words
3. Appreciate what you have
4. If a person never worry about you, try not to worry about them as well, it's not worth it
5. Everything happens for a reason
6. You have to lose something to gain something better
7. Never take things for granted
8. Love yourself :)

Enough of the crying and tearing of heartbreak. I start to get tired of the drama, all words but no actions. If one day you can't find me it's your lose, not mine. I've done enough, I've tried my best, now is your turn if you really want me. I'm never demanding, it's you who can't meet my expectations. I'm not difficult, or you can't handle me. Hearts are not to play around with like toys. Let me try to break yours and see how it feels.

Somehow I realise, I'm a better person. I did something stupid for a solid reason while some people do stupid things for something unreasonable. Hahaha...

Flaws

Everyone has flaws. Everyone makes mistake. Everyone deserves a second chance. No body's perfect. We are just normal human being.

Same goes to you and me, we make mistakes. I let go of what happened slowly, I forgive but not forget. I have given you chances to prove yourself, but do you actually make full use of my chances for you? Do you see me trying to get myself to trust you back? Are you sincere about wanting to make things better? How come there is always doubt inside me about you?

Somehow I feel like you never stop things between you and her. Even if things stop between you two, seems like things never really stop from your side. The fantasies about her, the image about her, the thought of her never get out of your mind. Somehow I feel like you still check her out every now and then, through facebook or any possible media. Are you actually over her yet? Is it really done between the two of you? Do you really have nothing for her anymore? I sense that even if you say that you have nothing else for her, but at the back of your head, she is still there.

I do want us, I could see that you are changing for good although very slow, not like how I want it to be. But all I want is you to come back clean. All I want is you come back with all your heart for me. I don't want to be with a guy whose heart is divided to other girl as well. What is the point of being together if your fantasies never end? You can't have her therefore your fantasies are there all the time. You are still pretty confused about things.

I keep telling myself to learn to trust you back, but when I start to believe your words, something always happen that make me have doubt in you. I don't mean to make things difficult for you to come back, I do realy want you to be back, I want the happy us back, but all I want is that you come back clean, only me inside you, noone else, can you do that, can you stop your fantasies? Can you back to just be mine, only mine, only me in your mind?

Long term relationship

Today is the exact 3rd week of the 1month. Sigh....

I've read a lot about relationship and the stages that most people go through. And maybe this is what I'm going through at the moment. 3 years is not a short time, pretty long for a relationship. Things have changed much from the beginning. I still remember when we first got together, we didn't want to part from one another, always enjoyed each other's company, did everything together, bla bla bla.


After almost 3 years, so many things happened, things changed. We are no longer like last time anymore. One fight after another, arguments after arguments to the point where we stopped talking to each other to stop arguing. Now after decided to want to make things better that you told me you want to come back, how come I don't feel happy anymore about it? Maybe it's all the pain that changed the feeling, changed people, changed us. Relationship is supposed to be happy, but how come I don't see the happiness in us anymore? Is it because we stop trying to reach out for the happiness?


Love? Is love itself enough to keep a relationship going? Is love itself enough to keep us together? Is it love that make us holding onto each other still? Somehow I just don't feel the love anymore. I don't feel loved, I don't feel cared, I don't feel being appreciated, I don't feel being needed, I don't feel wanted by you. Or is it me, my feeling that slowly fade? Even I believe both of us know that this relationship is not healthy anymore.


Some people say love is everything. I used to think that way too. Now I realise that love itself is not enough to make relationship works. Hand in hand, teddy bear hugs, kisses, sweet love, everything that we used to do, that was why we were so strong. 


I do love you with all my heart, I do want you to be around, you are still my everything, but somehow I feel that there is something missing between us. I don't know whether it is you that changed, your love for me changed or any other reason. But one thing that is surely gone between us is the bond, the chemistry that made us so strong last time. There is no more sparks between us.We are still holding onto each other maybe because of love that we have, but if we do nothing to get the bond and sparks back, this relationship will soon or later slowly drift away....


I miss us, the times we spent together, the ups and downs we faced together. I miss our sweet time together doing nothing stayed and cuddled on bed whole day and yet felt very contented. I miss that feeling where even when you sit next to me means the world to me, knowing that you are around is the most important.


I.heart.you

Together

Does this still mean a thing to you? Is this still important? Is us still important?

Accepting changes

I don't post as often as before, not because things have gotten better but the fact that I start to accept that things don't always go as how we want it to be. Nothing we can change but to accept it as how it is, make do with whatever we have, accept things, stop complaining then you will therefore feel your life is slightly better.

People keep telling me to stop my self-pity since we can't change the past. That's what I've been up to, embracing what I used to have and what I have now. Let the old good and bad times be memory, the most important thing is the lessons learnt from the past events in life and try to be a better person. Memories never changed, what can change is people and situation.

I start to stop expecting much from people because I learnt that expecting hurts when the expectations are not met to what we want or how we want things to be. But one thing to remember, life is never fair. It's like a turning wheel, it goes up and down. There are times when we are up and feel like on top of the world, but there are times when we are at the lowest point as well. It happens to everyone. I believe I've just gone through one of the lowest point, hit my breaking point. I realise now is time for me to slowly crawl up again, bring the torn pieces into one to show the world who I really am.

When I think of what have just happened, it was tough, very very tough. But I realise that I can't just look up to others, I have to look down as well. At least I'm thankful that I still manage to wake up everyday, to see the sunshine, to be able to have proper education, to have family that cares, to have friends that loves, etc. so many things that I should actually be thankful of that not everyone can have.

One thing that keep me strong is my mommy. I shouldn't be too sad just because of my broken love life. Losing the person that I love is hurtful, but it shouldn't be as hurtful as losing my mommy. She used to be my closest person although we were apart most of the time. She was the person that I turned to all the time in any situation. I still remember the time when I lost her, even up to now I'm still grieving deep inside me. I shouldn't be sad for my love life because it is nothing compared to losing her. She was the person that gave birth to me, took care of me, taught me to be a person. Who is he compared to her? Why would I be so sad losing him? I have known him for only 3 years while I knew her for my whole life.

At the time when I was down, how I really wish she was around for me to talk to, to cry on, to share about everything, the pain in me, only she could see through everything without the need of me saying a single word. I miss her...

Can we differentiate?

I remember someone told me,"Trust is like a mirror. Once it's broken and you see yourself, there are many reflections of you and you can't tell which is the real you."

Sometimes when talking to people, do you ever wonder if the person is telling lies or truths? How can we differentiate? How to identify between lies and truths? There is a very fine line between these two, but who can actually tell which is right and which is wrong? But one thing you always hear of is, once you start lying you can't stop or else the hidden truth will be revealed, therefore there is a saying "one lie after another", but we never heard of the saying "one truth after another".

Once the trust is broken, there is always doubt about everything. At every point, you wonder to yourself whether it is the truth or just another made up story. It takes year to build trust but one second to destroy everything....

Difficult no?

Another weekend, another busy working time for me and him therefore we don't get to spend as much time together. Sad though, but what can we do, whenever I'm home, he's out working and whenever he's home, I'm busy working.

I miss him much. I miss the time when we were struggling to look for job, struggling with limited cash, despite all of that, the relationship was much stronger when we had nothing. Maybe it's just like the quote,"Women's loyalty is being tested when he has nothing while men's loyalty is being tested when he has everything".  I miss our KL time a lot as well, much more actually, those happy times together. On top of all this, I realise that I shouldn't live in the past, life goes on, the past is memory now, but part of me doesn't want you and me to just be memory.

It has been two weeks since I told him to think about what he wants and what to do with this relationship. Since then he told me that he wants to make things better for both of us. He said want to search for place together, but nothing much has been done since then. I do love him, I do want him but part of me keeps questioning in my head whether he is sincere this time, whether he is serious to want to make us better. Trust takes time to build but easily broken. I don't mean to make things difficult for him and us to be back, but I need to see his sincerity, I need to know if he is serious, I need proves not just words. I'm being more cautious about everything now especially my heart because now I know how fragile it is. He was the person that I ever trusted the most about everything, I never expected that he would hurt me, cut me so deep inside but he did. I do really want to keep this relationship that's why I fight so hard, but somehow I feel that I've fought enough, now is his part to do the job. I don't know if he's going to do it but I hope so because I love him way too much, I care for him more than anything.....


P.S. I miss us lots....

Working days

Monday Tuesday Wednesday gone, time to start working again. As always, when time to work, we both are like strangers to each other. You are only sweet and nice on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. Sigh.....

Openness

Today was the first day we actually went for class and only 4 people was there. The class was boring. Sigh.... We argued on the way home because I talked to other people, not you.

I Whatsapped with a friend who had the same experience. He was being treated the same way by his ex girlfriend therefore I feel like I have someone who can understand me, someone who I can talk to and share my feelings and problems with. And he was angry thinking that I would rather being open and talk to other people rather than talking to him.

One thing he never realises is that I have tried my best to be as open as possible to him, but when I talk out my minds and my feelings, he always denies and argues back. Maybe he feels that what I talk about is actually right, is the fact therefore he is in denial, he feels offended, that's why he starts to swear, yell and scream and I hate it, therefore I would rather keep it to myself and talk to others than have to face all this. All the time when I talk to him, he never want to listen to my views and  thinks that he is always right, that I'm not understandable enough, not this and not that, which ends up making me seems to be in the wrong position to ever open my mouth. I can never win the arguement as long as it has something to do with his friends, therefore I would rather shut my mouth, let him do whatever he wants to do.

I couldn't believe that he actually complained that I would prefer to talk to others than him. He never realised that he did the exact same thing, would rather talk to other people rather than me although I was sitting beside him, just like when we were on the way back from Blue Mountain. I was sitting beside him inside the bus but he was too busy whatsapped with his girl friends, and when I asked him why he didn't talk to me, he answered,"I feel much better talking to my friend compare to talking to you." If he ever think about it, he always says this kind of nasty, full of hatred things to me without ever consider my feelings at all. He has been saying nasty things to me and about me (he called me selfish bitch, stupid bitch, this bitch that bitch for something that I didn't do at all) for the past few months and I never said anything about it. He said it hurts that I didn't want to open up to him, has he ever think of how much it hurts for me when he looked out for other girls all the time and say those nasty things to me? He himself never really try to open up to me, how could he expect me to talk to him? Because I hate it when he starts to swear and says nasty things when I feel that I say nothing wrong at all. Talking to a friend who understands how I feel make me feel much better compare to talking to someone who never listen, or listen but never take any action about it.

When we came home and calmed down, we talked nicely. I told him, if he never want to compromise things, it will never work out between us, and we agreed to him going out only twice a week, hopefully he doesn't forget about it, because I actually stop caring about him at all. I'm tired to argue over the same thing always, feels stupid and dumb, one day it will come a time when  actually do not want to care anymore if he never change.

Sometimes when I think about us again, I really regret it to disagree to your request of registering in KL in order to be able for me to stay. If I did agree, we might be living a happy life together, life would have been much easier for us compare to here. I said no last time because I thought of us and our family, what would they say and react to it, therefore we came here as another option. Even from before we came here, we agreed to register here, to take this relationship to a stronger commitment and yet still have our own life. But when he came and started to meet new people, he changed his mind and his commitment about this relationship. I know maybe he is too afraid of the commitment because he still want to play around and have fun, to be able to flirt around, etc therefore he is very defensive and never say anything about this topic, never bring up this topic at all while he was the one very into it. I actually don't mind about registering because I know that he is the one I want, he is the one I feel comfortable with, he is the one that I can be myself with. Being registered here doesn't mean that he will lose his life. We still can register and live our life like usual, it's just a formality to be able to stay together, also proves that we are into this commitment, that's all I want. I also don't want to lose myself just because registering early but he never gets it, he is too afraid to be committed. By us being committed, it will be help him even more with his study, I can work and help him with the fee without him have to ask from his grandma, but he never sees this point. By us working hard together, we can try to make this relationship stronger again like last time after all that happened, maybe even better than last time.

Ur day

We had a good time last night on your birthday. You were not that surprised after all, got you cake and the presents. Finally managed to get a picture with you, never really take picture together. We also played UNO the whole night with the people at home. That was fun.

I was happy that I managed to cook simple birthday breakfast for him. After that I asked him to check under the bed for his presents. He was touched, he cried in happiness. I cried as well. I miss him so much.

Somehow I can see that this relationship is getting better slowly, but a bit too slow for me. I do understand that he needs time to adjust himself back to me and everything. But how long more should I wait for him to be back like last time? I think I've waited enough, long enough for something that I feel that I never did wrong about. Thing is, it's very simple, it's either he comes back or not at all.

One thing that I hate the most which I think he can never change is chatting and texting with different girls everyday in a very secretive way, Rachel, Maggie Ong, and don't know who else. I don't know whether he is being friendly or flirty. But when he said he want to make things right between us and he keeps doing this, it's just not acceptable. It's not about being possessive, but we can ask the whole world, which girlfriend would like it of their guy busy texting and chatting with girls everyday. I'm sure we all know the answers, we all have the same answers, not just me. Whether it's just a random talk or any other talk, it's all the same thing. Adding to that, keeping password on the phone is just another suspicious act. He was never like this. He was opened about everything, his friends, his phones, everything. Instead, he was the one that randomly checked my phone etc but I didn't mind. We had no secrets at all because we had nothing to hide from each other, not like now. Privacy was his reason for it, but there is difference between privacy and hiding things.

I hate the childish him now, the one that is kiasu of everything, kiasu of what people has, kiasu of what people do, everything. He keeps comparing what he has and what his mamak friends have. They have nice phone, faster internet, better phone provider, go to better uni, can go out to have fun and drink whenever they want to, bla bla bla. Maybe he should remember that one of his closest friend is single and another is also newly single, but he is not.

I try my best to trust him again, I keep telling myself to give this relationship another chance. I keep telling myself that everyone deserves chances to prove themselves. Or maybe I'm being too nice like what everyone tells me. I want to give it a go, I really do, maybe we really can make things better, but how long can I stay being like this, feeling like this all the time. This is how I want a relationship to be. I don't want relationship with lies and lack of openness. I don't want to argue with him all the time again whenever he meets new people then pushes me aside again for nothing that I did wrong.

I don't know, I really don't know. What I know now is to give him the best memorable memory of me........

Yes, No???

I'm confused. I'm confused with everything now. I don't know what is going on at the moment. It feels weird. I thought I should be happy but I feel nothing much about it. Or maybe I'm just so used to it now?

Sometimes I really wish that I can read minds. I don't ask for much but certainty. I'm unsure about everything now, too many whys in my head....only if someone can answer my whys then maybe I will feel better about things.

But one things I'm sure of is that I want to create memorable moments for you, me and us just in case if things don't work out as how we plan. Your day is coming soon, I want it to be proper.

Second chance? Will it work out this time? Will it be worth it? I'm too afraid to be broken again when I actually start to pick up the pieces of me together... I do want us but... I don't know. Somehow I feel like you are not that keen on it, that's why I'm considering about this second chance...

Miss you much

I miss you lots. I want to make sure that I get to see you every morning, day and night. You are busy working tonight, will only be able to see you tomorrow night. I miss you much.

I miss us as well, the happy-full of love us together. I miss you holding my hand, hugging me, kissing me, telling me how much you love me, I miss you a lot. Day to day, the more I realise that you are my happiness and I need you to be by my side always. but I don't know if you feel the same way because the you now is not the same you like last time. How I wish I can turn back time and I want to stop the time when we spend all the good times together.

I love you, you are my happiness. But I want you to be happy as well, even without me being around, I will let you go, that's how much you mean to me, that's how much I care and love you....

Chances

Last night I waited for you to finish work, wanted to have dinner together. I went to Coles and Miracle, bought the canned stewed pork that you like and tofu to make soup. I waited for you at Chinatown and it was very cold. I told you earlier that I'd be waiting for you until I received a text saying that you are not happy that you can't drink with your friends. Your friends are always more important. I can never interrupt your time with your friends or you will be pissed at me. but somehow I'm used to it already. All I wanted to do was make full use of the remaining three weeks time. You kept asking me where I want to go and what about the three weeks time. I told you I want to end things between us for our good, want to give you your happiness, but I didn't expect you would reply "U r my happiness". Why do you do this thing when it's about to end?


You came back early while your other friends were still drinking. I was glad. I never restrict you from going out with your friends, but this is how I want it to be, don't just wait for everyone to leave then only you leave together, I want you to go out with them but still come back early for me, divide time equally, at least you still get to go out and come back I still get some part of you. All the time I am not happy that you go out drinking because you always come back late, spend all your time for your friend and never think about me at all. Is this a sign that you want to make things better between us?


Before we had our dinner, yo asked me to talk about it in your room. You kept asking me about the three weeks things. You should know what it is all about, three weeks for your decision and then I leave. You asked me not to give up, you asked me not to leave, you asked me to give you another chance to prove yourself. You were sorry for things. You started to look for room for us again. You said sorry for the delay because if we stayed to the plan, we would have moved out by now.


After last night, I wonder to myself whether you really have changed, slowly change back to my old Nicholas. I keep asking myself if this chance is worth it. I'm just to afraid of being hurt again because it hit me so hard. I know that you can't go back to the exact same Nicholas that I love, things changed and we grow up a bit more, but I miss the caring Nicholas, the Nicholas who was there for me, Nicholas who was not shy and afraid to hold my hand and hug me in public, Nicholas who was proud to show his friends, his family and everyone that I was the one, Nicholas who was sure that I was the one he wanted to be with, Nicholas who I could talk and laugh about silly things, Nicholas who could make me laugh when I was crying, Nicholas who was there to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be ok as long as we both stick to one. That Nicholas was and still is my world and part of me literally died when he disappeared. 

Another chance, is it worth it to make things work between us instead of creating more pain? Can I trust you again? Is it the right decision to give you my heart again? I'm too afraid to be broken one more time because I love you way too much, more than what you can imagine. Don't come back if you are to burn me down one more time. All I can hope for is you to really make things work for us. All I want is you who realise what you have when you have me, not you to realise what you have when you start to lose me, then only come back to me. I don't want that kind of love, I want sincere love just like what we used to have for each other last time....

I miss you sayang, come back soon....

Another day

I woke up early and went to your room to continue my sleep. It was good to be able to sleep with you just like last time when we were happy together. I miss those moments so so much.

Last night I actually asked you about the share room that you talked about when you were unwell. You said looking for a nice decent room, but you didn't try to search again after that morning. I didn't want to say much about it, as in I start to accept things that happened between us. If he really wants it then I let him do that part of the job. I just want him to actually do something for us because I've put my best efforts. It was a good spent time last night, we were on your bed talking about food, spent some time together, you also asked if I wanted to sleep together, but I said no, I only want to if you really want me to stay.

It's weird that you asked me why I sang the jet plane song. If you really know me well enough, you should know that I only actually sing when a song describes my current feeling. I've been listening to jet plane song because that song really describes my feeling right now. All I want to do is to spend proper time with you, create good memories for us after all the fights and all the things that happened between us. I just want you to always remember me, I don't want you to remember all the bad times that we had here, I want you to remember the good times we have after all that happened. I don't want you to have bad memories about me. I want there is still a single dot of me in you in your whole life so you can never forget about me.

Three weeks to go and I'm counting down.  I hope you make a good decision for you, me and us. I'm preparing myself for the worst. Although I really hate it if I have to leave, but I do all that for your happiness, which matters the most for me. I keep telling myself, if he really wants me to stay he should do something about it, but I wonder if he cares enough about it. I wonder if he's going to do something to make me stay. I wonder if he really loves me still just like how I love him always. The feeling for him never changed at all despite of the things that happened, the pain and the hurt, instead it grows fonder. It makes me realise that he plays a big part in my world, my happiness, that I need him more and more each day... I miss you

Leaving on a jet plane

This is how I'm feeling at the moment

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go