Chances

Last night I waited for you to finish work, wanted to have dinner together. I went to Coles and Miracle, bought the canned stewed pork that you like and tofu to make soup. I waited for you at Chinatown and it was very cold. I told you earlier that I'd be waiting for you until I received a text saying that you are not happy that you can't drink with your friends. Your friends are always more important. I can never interrupt your time with your friends or you will be pissed at me. but somehow I'm used to it already. All I wanted to do was make full use of the remaining three weeks time. You kept asking me where I want to go and what about the three weeks time. I told you I want to end things between us for our good, want to give you your happiness, but I didn't expect you would reply "U r my happiness". Why do you do this thing when it's about to end?


You came back early while your other friends were still drinking. I was glad. I never restrict you from going out with your friends, but this is how I want it to be, don't just wait for everyone to leave then only you leave together, I want you to go out with them but still come back early for me, divide time equally, at least you still get to go out and come back I still get some part of you. All the time I am not happy that you go out drinking because you always come back late, spend all your time for your friend and never think about me at all. Is this a sign that you want to make things better between us?


Before we had our dinner, yo asked me to talk about it in your room. You kept asking me about the three weeks things. You should know what it is all about, three weeks for your decision and then I leave. You asked me not to give up, you asked me not to leave, you asked me to give you another chance to prove yourself. You were sorry for things. You started to look for room for us again. You said sorry for the delay because if we stayed to the plan, we would have moved out by now.


After last night, I wonder to myself whether you really have changed, slowly change back to my old Nicholas. I keep asking myself if this chance is worth it. I'm just to afraid of being hurt again because it hit me so hard. I know that you can't go back to the exact same Nicholas that I love, things changed and we grow up a bit more, but I miss the caring Nicholas, the Nicholas who was there for me, Nicholas who was not shy and afraid to hold my hand and hug me in public, Nicholas who was proud to show his friends, his family and everyone that I was the one, Nicholas who was sure that I was the one he wanted to be with, Nicholas who I could talk and laugh about silly things, Nicholas who could make me laugh when I was crying, Nicholas who was there to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be ok as long as we both stick to one. That Nicholas was and still is my world and part of me literally died when he disappeared. 

Another chance, is it worth it to make things work between us instead of creating more pain? Can I trust you again? Is it the right decision to give you my heart again? I'm too afraid to be broken one more time because I love you way too much, more than what you can imagine. Don't come back if you are to burn me down one more time. All I can hope for is you to really make things work for us. All I want is you who realise what you have when you have me, not you to realise what you have when you start to lose me, then only come back to me. I don't want that kind of love, I want sincere love just like what we used to have for each other last time....

I miss you sayang, come back soon....