Things have been better compare to before, but I don't want to hope too much. Like I said earlier, I'm too afraid to be broken for the second time. I learnt a lot from what has happened, but one thing I always remember, Don't love too much, Don't care too much or it will hurt much.
Healing, slowly but surely. I'm slowly gathering the puzzle pieces of me back into one again like last time. When I was at the lowest point, I never thought I would heal ever. I thought I would be stuck down there for pretty long, but it eventually did. I was there for monthS, crying and thinking and crying and crying asking God what I've done wrong for him to give em all this. I was totally miserable. I was stressed and depressed, couldn't eat and sleep for weeks and cried to sleep every night. Blessing in disguise, I slimmed down :)
Once people told me that time heals, once in a while we need to cry out loud to let the tears clean our soul to be a better person and start anew. When I think about it, it's kinda true. Maybe I've just passed the crying moments, time to take a step forward to be stronger. It was hard but one thing I'm very sure of is that it's all worth it. I learnt that I can be strong inside to have my head and heart walk together next to each other.
Although we are slowly getting back together, but I don't feel that happy as how I'm supposed to feel. It's just there is something is lacking still, the chemistry, the love, the bond. Things are too slow here. I start to think to myself whether it's all worth it. When I came back, I came back immediately without the need of making him wait and wait, but now it's different. I don't know how long I should wait for him to be back like last time again, the loving caring him that I used to love a lot. Or maybe he is just not the same person anymore. Love itself is not enough to make a relationship works, it needs the affections as well. I always wonder to myself whether he is still my Nicholas or he is just another stranger.... I miss the old him a lot, I miss the happy times that we spent together, I miss the strong us that went through all the ups and downs together :(
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Live life
So many things going on. I lost my best friend, may she be in the better place now, i love u afafa :(
I don't update my blog that often anymore. One thing that I learn is don't think too much, whatever happens then let it be.
About love, loving someone is when we want that person to be happy even we are not part of their happiness.
A few ways I learn to appreciate things around me:
1. Whatever happens, happens
2. If a person love you, they will show you by actions, not words
3. Appreciate what you have
4. If a person never worry about you, try not to worry about them as well, it's not worth it
5. Everything happens for a reason
6. You have to lose something to gain something better
7. Never take things for granted
8. Love yourself :)
Enough of the crying and tearing of heartbreak. I start to get tired of the drama, all words but no actions. If one day you can't find me it's your lose, not mine. I've done enough, I've tried my best, now is your turn if you really want me. I'm never demanding, it's you who can't meet my expectations. I'm not difficult, or you can't handle me. Hearts are not to play around with like toys. Let me try to break yours and see how it feels.
Somehow I realise, I'm a better person. I did something stupid for a solid reason while some people do stupid things for something unreasonable. Hahaha...
I don't update my blog that often anymore. One thing that I learn is don't think too much, whatever happens then let it be.
About love, loving someone is when we want that person to be happy even we are not part of their happiness.
A few ways I learn to appreciate things around me:
1. Whatever happens, happens
2. If a person love you, they will show you by actions, not words
3. Appreciate what you have
4. If a person never worry about you, try not to worry about them as well, it's not worth it
5. Everything happens for a reason
6. You have to lose something to gain something better
7. Never take things for granted
8. Love yourself :)
Enough of the crying and tearing of heartbreak. I start to get tired of the drama, all words but no actions. If one day you can't find me it's your lose, not mine. I've done enough, I've tried my best, now is your turn if you really want me. I'm never demanding, it's you who can't meet my expectations. I'm not difficult, or you can't handle me. Hearts are not to play around with like toys. Let me try to break yours and see how it feels.
Somehow I realise, I'm a better person. I did something stupid for a solid reason while some people do stupid things for something unreasonable. Hahaha...
Friday, July 13, 2012
Flaws
Everyone has flaws. Everyone makes mistake. Everyone deserves a second chance. No body's perfect. We are just normal human being.
Same goes to you and me, we make mistakes. I let go of what happened slowly, I forgive but not forget. I have given you chances to prove yourself, but do you actually make full use of my chances for you? Do you see me trying to get myself to trust you back? Are you sincere about wanting to make things better? How come there is always doubt inside me about you?
Somehow I feel like you never stop things between you and her. Even if things stop between you two, seems like things never really stop from your side. The fantasies about her, the image about her, the thought of her never get out of your mind. Somehow I feel like you still check her out every now and then, through facebook or any possible media. Are you actually over her yet? Is it really done between the two of you? Do you really have nothing for her anymore? I sense that even if you say that you have nothing else for her, but at the back of your head, she is still there.
I do want us, I could see that you are changing for good although very slow, not like how I want it to be. But all I want is you to come back clean. All I want is you come back with all your heart for me. I don't want to be with a guy whose heart is divided to other girl as well. What is the point of being together if your fantasies never end? You can't have her therefore your fantasies are there all the time. You are still pretty confused about things.
I keep telling myself to learn to trust you back, but when I start to believe your words, something always happen that make me have doubt in you. I don't mean to make things difficult for you to come back, I do realy want you to be back, I want the happy us back, but all I want is that you come back clean, only me inside you, noone else, can you do that, can you stop your fantasies? Can you back to just be mine, only mine, only me in your mind?
Same goes to you and me, we make mistakes. I let go of what happened slowly, I forgive but not forget. I have given you chances to prove yourself, but do you actually make full use of my chances for you? Do you see me trying to get myself to trust you back? Are you sincere about wanting to make things better? How come there is always doubt inside me about you?
Somehow I feel like you never stop things between you and her. Even if things stop between you two, seems like things never really stop from your side. The fantasies about her, the image about her, the thought of her never get out of your mind. Somehow I feel like you still check her out every now and then, through facebook or any possible media. Are you actually over her yet? Is it really done between the two of you? Do you really have nothing for her anymore? I sense that even if you say that you have nothing else for her, but at the back of your head, she is still there.
I do want us, I could see that you are changing for good although very slow, not like how I want it to be. But all I want is you to come back clean. All I want is you come back with all your heart for me. I don't want to be with a guy whose heart is divided to other girl as well. What is the point of being together if your fantasies never end? You can't have her therefore your fantasies are there all the time. You are still pretty confused about things.
I keep telling myself to learn to trust you back, but when I start to believe your words, something always happen that make me have doubt in you. I don't mean to make things difficult for you to come back, I do realy want you to be back, I want the happy us back, but all I want is that you come back clean, only me inside you, noone else, can you do that, can you stop your fantasies? Can you back to just be mine, only mine, only me in your mind?
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Long term relationship
Today is the exact 3rd week of the 1month. Sigh....
I've read a lot about relationship and the stages that most people go through. And maybe this is what I'm going through at the moment. 3 years is not a short time, pretty long for a relationship. Things have changed much from the beginning. I still remember when we first got together, we didn't want to part from one another, always enjoyed each other's company, did everything together, bla bla bla.
After almost 3 years, so many things happened, things changed. We are no longer like last time anymore. One fight after another, arguments after arguments to the point where we stopped talking to each other to stop arguing. Now after decided to want to make things better that you told me you want to come back, how come I don't feel happy anymore about it? Maybe it's all the pain that changed the feeling, changed people, changed us. Relationship is supposed to be happy, but how come I don't see the happiness in us anymore? Is it because we stop trying to reach out for the happiness?
Love? Is love itself enough to keep a relationship going? Is love itself enough to keep us together? Is it love that make us holding onto each other still? Somehow I just don't feel the love anymore. I don't feel loved, I don't feel cared, I don't feel being appreciated, I don't feel being needed, I don't feel wanted by you. Or is it me, my feeling that slowly fade? Even I believe both of us know that this relationship is not healthy anymore.
Some people say love is everything. I used to think that way too. Now I realise that love itself is not enough to make relationship works. Hand in hand, teddy bear hugs, kisses, sweet love, everything that we used to do, that was why we were so strong.
I do love you with all my heart, I do want you to be around, you are still my everything, but somehow I feel that there is something missing between us. I don't know whether it is you that changed, your love for me changed or any other reason. But one thing that is surely gone between us is the bond, the chemistry that made us so strong last time. There is no more sparks between us.We are still holding onto each other maybe because of love that we have, but if we do nothing to get the bond and sparks back, this relationship will soon or later slowly drift away....
I miss us, the times we spent together, the ups and downs we faced together. I miss our sweet time together doing nothing stayed and cuddled on bed whole day and yet felt very contented. I miss that feeling where even when you sit next to me means the world to me, knowing that you are around is the most important.
I.heart.you
I've read a lot about relationship and the stages that most people go through. And maybe this is what I'm going through at the moment. 3 years is not a short time, pretty long for a relationship. Things have changed much from the beginning. I still remember when we first got together, we didn't want to part from one another, always enjoyed each other's company, did everything together, bla bla bla.
After almost 3 years, so many things happened, things changed. We are no longer like last time anymore. One fight after another, arguments after arguments to the point where we stopped talking to each other to stop arguing. Now after decided to want to make things better that you told me you want to come back, how come I don't feel happy anymore about it? Maybe it's all the pain that changed the feeling, changed people, changed us. Relationship is supposed to be happy, but how come I don't see the happiness in us anymore? Is it because we stop trying to reach out for the happiness?
Love? Is love itself enough to keep a relationship going? Is love itself enough to keep us together? Is it love that make us holding onto each other still? Somehow I just don't feel the love anymore. I don't feel loved, I don't feel cared, I don't feel being appreciated, I don't feel being needed, I don't feel wanted by you. Or is it me, my feeling that slowly fade? Even I believe both of us know that this relationship is not healthy anymore.
Some people say love is everything. I used to think that way too. Now I realise that love itself is not enough to make relationship works. Hand in hand, teddy bear hugs, kisses, sweet love, everything that we used to do, that was why we were so strong.
I do love you with all my heart, I do want you to be around, you are still my everything, but somehow I feel that there is something missing between us. I don't know whether it is you that changed, your love for me changed or any other reason. But one thing that is surely gone between us is the bond, the chemistry that made us so strong last time. There is no more sparks between us.We are still holding onto each other maybe because of love that we have, but if we do nothing to get the bond and sparks back, this relationship will soon or later slowly drift away....
I miss us, the times we spent together, the ups and downs we faced together. I miss our sweet time together doing nothing stayed and cuddled on bed whole day and yet felt very contented. I miss that feeling where even when you sit next to me means the world to me, knowing that you are around is the most important.
I.heart.you
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Accepting changes
I don't post as often as before, not because things have gotten better but the fact that I start to accept that things don't always go as how we want it to be. Nothing we can change but to accept it as how it is, make do with whatever we have, accept things, stop complaining then you will therefore feel your life is slightly better.
People keep telling me to stop my self-pity since we can't change the past. That's what I've been up to, embracing what I used to have and what I have now. Let the old good and bad times be memory, the most important thing is the lessons learnt from the past events in life and try to be a better person. Memories never changed, what can change is people and situation.
I start to stop expecting much from people because I learnt that expecting hurts when the expectations are not met to what we want or how we want things to be. But one thing to remember, life is never fair. It's like a turning wheel, it goes up and down. There are times when we are up and feel like on top of the world, but there are times when we are at the lowest point as well. It happens to everyone. I believe I've just gone through one of the lowest point, hit my breaking point. I realise now is time for me to slowly crawl up again, bring the torn pieces into one to show the world who I really am.
When I think of what have just happened, it was tough, very very tough. But I realise that I can't just look up to others, I have to look down as well. At least I'm thankful that I still manage to wake up everyday, to see the sunshine, to be able to have proper education, to have family that cares, to have friends that loves, etc. so many things that I should actually be thankful of that not everyone can have.
One thing that keep me strong is my mommy. I shouldn't be too sad just because of my broken love life. Losing the person that I love is hurtful, but it shouldn't be as hurtful as losing my mommy. She used to be my closest person although we were apart most of the time. She was the person that I turned to all the time in any situation. I still remember the time when I lost her, even up to now I'm still grieving deep inside me. I shouldn't be sad for my love life because it is nothing compared to losing her. She was the person that gave birth to me, took care of me, taught me to be a person. Who is he compared to her? Why would I be so sad losing him? I have known him for only 3 years while I knew her for my whole life.
At the time when I was down, how I really wish she was around for me to talk to, to cry on, to share about everything, the pain in me, only she could see through everything without the need of me saying a single word. I miss her...
People keep telling me to stop my self-pity since we can't change the past. That's what I've been up to, embracing what I used to have and what I have now. Let the old good and bad times be memory, the most important thing is the lessons learnt from the past events in life and try to be a better person. Memories never changed, what can change is people and situation.
I start to stop expecting much from people because I learnt that expecting hurts when the expectations are not met to what we want or how we want things to be. But one thing to remember, life is never fair. It's like a turning wheel, it goes up and down. There are times when we are up and feel like on top of the world, but there are times when we are at the lowest point as well. It happens to everyone. I believe I've just gone through one of the lowest point, hit my breaking point. I realise now is time for me to slowly crawl up again, bring the torn pieces into one to show the world who I really am.
When I think of what have just happened, it was tough, very very tough. But I realise that I can't just look up to others, I have to look down as well. At least I'm thankful that I still manage to wake up everyday, to see the sunshine, to be able to have proper education, to have family that cares, to have friends that loves, etc. so many things that I should actually be thankful of that not everyone can have.
One thing that keep me strong is my mommy. I shouldn't be too sad just because of my broken love life. Losing the person that I love is hurtful, but it shouldn't be as hurtful as losing my mommy. She used to be my closest person although we were apart most of the time. She was the person that I turned to all the time in any situation. I still remember the time when I lost her, even up to now I'm still grieving deep inside me. I shouldn't be sad for my love life because it is nothing compared to losing her. She was the person that gave birth to me, took care of me, taught me to be a person. Who is he compared to her? Why would I be so sad losing him? I have known him for only 3 years while I knew her for my whole life.
At the time when I was down, how I really wish she was around for me to talk to, to cry on, to share about everything, the pain in me, only she could see through everything without the need of me saying a single word. I miss her...
Monday, July 9, 2012
Can we differentiate?
I remember someone told me,"Trust is like a mirror. Once it's broken and you see yourself, there are many reflections of you and you can't tell which is the real you."
Sometimes when talking to people, do you ever wonder if the person is telling lies or truths? How can we differentiate? How to identify between lies and truths? There is a very fine line between these two, but who can actually tell which is right and which is wrong? But one thing you always hear of is, once you start lying you can't stop or else the hidden truth will be revealed, therefore there is a saying "one lie after another", but we never heard of the saying "one truth after another".
Once the trust is broken, there is always doubt about everything. At every point, you wonder to yourself whether it is the truth or just another made up story. It takes year to build trust but one second to destroy everything....
Sometimes when talking to people, do you ever wonder if the person is telling lies or truths? How can we differentiate? How to identify between lies and truths? There is a very fine line between these two, but who can actually tell which is right and which is wrong? But one thing you always hear of is, once you start lying you can't stop or else the hidden truth will be revealed, therefore there is a saying "one lie after another", but we never heard of the saying "one truth after another".
Once the trust is broken, there is always doubt about everything. At every point, you wonder to yourself whether it is the truth or just another made up story. It takes year to build trust but one second to destroy everything....
Friday, July 6, 2012
Difficult no?
Another weekend, another busy working time for me and him therefore we don't get to spend as much time together. Sad though, but what can we do, whenever I'm home, he's out working and whenever he's home, I'm busy working.
I miss him much. I miss the time when we were struggling to look for job, struggling with limited cash, despite all of that, the relationship was much stronger when we had nothing. Maybe it's just like the quote,"Women's loyalty is being tested when he has nothing while men's loyalty is being tested when he has everything". I miss our KL time a lot as well, much more actually, those happy times together. On top of all this, I realise that I shouldn't live in the past, life goes on, the past is memory now, but part of me doesn't want you and me to just be memory.
It has been two weeks since I told him to think about what he wants and what to do with this relationship. Since then he told me that he wants to make things better for both of us. He said want to search for place together, but nothing much has been done since then. I do love him, I do want him but part of me keeps questioning in my head whether he is sincere this time, whether he is serious to want to make us better. Trust takes time to build but easily broken. I don't mean to make things difficult for him and us to be back, but I need to see his sincerity, I need to know if he is serious, I need proves not just words. I'm being more cautious about everything now especially my heart because now I know how fragile it is. He was the person that I ever trusted the most about everything, I never expected that he would hurt me, cut me so deep inside but he did. I do really want to keep this relationship that's why I fight so hard, but somehow I feel that I've fought enough, now is his part to do the job. I don't know if he's going to do it but I hope so because I love him way too much, I care for him more than anything.....
P.S. I miss us lots....
I miss him much. I miss the time when we were struggling to look for job, struggling with limited cash, despite all of that, the relationship was much stronger when we had nothing. Maybe it's just like the quote,"Women's loyalty is being tested when he has nothing while men's loyalty is being tested when he has everything". I miss our KL time a lot as well, much more actually, those happy times together. On top of all this, I realise that I shouldn't live in the past, life goes on, the past is memory now, but part of me doesn't want you and me to just be memory.
It has been two weeks since I told him to think about what he wants and what to do with this relationship. Since then he told me that he wants to make things better for both of us. He said want to search for place together, but nothing much has been done since then. I do love him, I do want him but part of me keeps questioning in my head whether he is sincere this time, whether he is serious to want to make us better. Trust takes time to build but easily broken. I don't mean to make things difficult for him and us to be back, but I need to see his sincerity, I need to know if he is serious, I need proves not just words. I'm being more cautious about everything now especially my heart because now I know how fragile it is. He was the person that I ever trusted the most about everything, I never expected that he would hurt me, cut me so deep inside but he did. I do really want to keep this relationship that's why I fight so hard, but somehow I feel that I've fought enough, now is his part to do the job. I don't know if he's going to do it but I hope so because I love him way too much, I care for him more than anything.....
P.S. I miss us lots....
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Working days
Monday Tuesday Wednesday gone, time to start working again. As always, when time to work, we both are like strangers to each other. You are only sweet and nice on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. Sigh.....
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Openness
Today was the first day we actually went for class and only 4 people was there. The class was boring. Sigh.... We argued on the way home because I talked to other people, not you.
I Whatsapped with a friend who had the same experience. He was being treated the same way by his ex girlfriend therefore I feel like I have someone who can understand me, someone who I can talk to and share my feelings and problems with. And he was angry thinking that I would rather being open and talk to other people rather than talking to him.
One thing he never realises is that I have tried my best to be as open as possible to him, but when I talk out my minds and my feelings, he always denies and argues back. Maybe he feels that what I talk about is actually right, is the fact therefore he is in denial, he feels offended, that's why he starts to swear, yell and scream and I hate it, therefore I would rather keep it to myself and talk to others than have to face all this. All the time when I talk to him, he never want to listen to my views and thinks that he is always right, that I'm not understandable enough, not this and not that, which ends up making me seems to be in the wrong position to ever open my mouth. I can never win the arguement as long as it has something to do with his friends, therefore I would rather shut my mouth, let him do whatever he wants to do.
I couldn't believe that he actually complained that I would prefer to talk to others than him. He never realised that he did the exact same thing, would rather talk to other people rather than me although I was sitting beside him, just like when we were on the way back from Blue Mountain. I was sitting beside him inside the bus but he was too busy whatsapped with his girl friends, and when I asked him why he didn't talk to me, he answered,"I feel much better talking to my friend compare to talking to you." If he ever think about it, he always says this kind of nasty, full of hatred things to me without ever consider my feelings at all. He has been saying nasty things to me and about me (he called me selfish bitch, stupid bitch, this bitch that bitch for something that I didn't do at all) for the past few months and I never said anything about it. He said it hurts that I didn't want to open up to him, has he ever think of how much it hurts for me when he looked out for other girls all the time and say those nasty things to me? He himself never really try to open up to me, how could he expect me to talk to him? Because I hate it when he starts to swear and says nasty things when I feel that I say nothing wrong at all. Talking to a friend who understands how I feel make me feel much better compare to talking to someone who never listen, or listen but never take any action about it.
When we came home and calmed down, we talked nicely. I told him, if he never want to compromise things, it will never work out between us, and we agreed to him going out only twice a week, hopefully he doesn't forget about it, because I actually stop caring about him at all. I'm tired to argue over the same thing always, feels stupid and dumb, one day it will come a time when actually do not want to care anymore if he never change.
Sometimes when I think about us again, I really regret it to disagree to your request of registering in KL in order to be able for me to stay. If I did agree, we might be living a happy life together, life would have been much easier for us compare to here. I said no last time because I thought of us and our family, what would they say and react to it, therefore we came here as another option. Even from before we came here, we agreed to register here, to take this relationship to a stronger commitment and yet still have our own life. But when he came and started to meet new people, he changed his mind and his commitment about this relationship. I know maybe he is too afraid of the commitment because he still want to play around and have fun, to be able to flirt around, etc therefore he is very defensive and never say anything about this topic, never bring up this topic at all while he was the one very into it. I actually don't mind about registering because I know that he is the one I want, he is the one I feel comfortable with, he is the one that I can be myself with. Being registered here doesn't mean that he will lose his life. We still can register and live our life like usual, it's just a formality to be able to stay together, also proves that we are into this commitment, that's all I want. I also don't want to lose myself just because registering early but he never gets it, he is too afraid to be committed. By us being committed, it will be help him even more with his study, I can work and help him with the fee without him have to ask from his grandma, but he never sees this point. By us working hard together, we can try to make this relationship stronger again like last time after all that happened, maybe even better than last time.
I Whatsapped with a friend who had the same experience. He was being treated the same way by his ex girlfriend therefore I feel like I have someone who can understand me, someone who I can talk to and share my feelings and problems with. And he was angry thinking that I would rather being open and talk to other people rather than talking to him.
One thing he never realises is that I have tried my best to be as open as possible to him, but when I talk out my minds and my feelings, he always denies and argues back. Maybe he feels that what I talk about is actually right, is the fact therefore he is in denial, he feels offended, that's why he starts to swear, yell and scream and I hate it, therefore I would rather keep it to myself and talk to others than have to face all this. All the time when I talk to him, he never want to listen to my views and thinks that he is always right, that I'm not understandable enough, not this and not that, which ends up making me seems to be in the wrong position to ever open my mouth. I can never win the arguement as long as it has something to do with his friends, therefore I would rather shut my mouth, let him do whatever he wants to do.
I couldn't believe that he actually complained that I would prefer to talk to others than him. He never realised that he did the exact same thing, would rather talk to other people rather than me although I was sitting beside him, just like when we were on the way back from Blue Mountain. I was sitting beside him inside the bus but he was too busy whatsapped with his girl friends, and when I asked him why he didn't talk to me, he answered,"I feel much better talking to my friend compare to talking to you." If he ever think about it, he always says this kind of nasty, full of hatred things to me without ever consider my feelings at all. He has been saying nasty things to me and about me (he called me selfish bitch, stupid bitch, this bitch that bitch for something that I didn't do at all) for the past few months and I never said anything about it. He said it hurts that I didn't want to open up to him, has he ever think of how much it hurts for me when he looked out for other girls all the time and say those nasty things to me? He himself never really try to open up to me, how could he expect me to talk to him? Because I hate it when he starts to swear and says nasty things when I feel that I say nothing wrong at all. Talking to a friend who understands how I feel make me feel much better compare to talking to someone who never listen, or listen but never take any action about it.
When we came home and calmed down, we talked nicely. I told him, if he never want to compromise things, it will never work out between us, and we agreed to him going out only twice a week, hopefully he doesn't forget about it, because I actually stop caring about him at all. I'm tired to argue over the same thing always, feels stupid and dumb, one day it will come a time when actually do not want to care anymore if he never change.
Sometimes when I think about us again, I really regret it to disagree to your request of registering in KL in order to be able for me to stay. If I did agree, we might be living a happy life together, life would have been much easier for us compare to here. I said no last time because I thought of us and our family, what would they say and react to it, therefore we came here as another option. Even from before we came here, we agreed to register here, to take this relationship to a stronger commitment and yet still have our own life. But when he came and started to meet new people, he changed his mind and his commitment about this relationship. I know maybe he is too afraid of the commitment because he still want to play around and have fun, to be able to flirt around, etc therefore he is very defensive and never say anything about this topic, never bring up this topic at all while he was the one very into it. I actually don't mind about registering because I know that he is the one I want, he is the one I feel comfortable with, he is the one that I can be myself with. Being registered here doesn't mean that he will lose his life. We still can register and live our life like usual, it's just a formality to be able to stay together, also proves that we are into this commitment, that's all I want. I also don't want to lose myself just because registering early but he never gets it, he is too afraid to be committed. By us being committed, it will be help him even more with his study, I can work and help him with the fee without him have to ask from his grandma, but he never sees this point. By us working hard together, we can try to make this relationship stronger again like last time after all that happened, maybe even better than last time.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Ur day
We had a good time last night on your birthday. You were not that surprised after all, got you cake and the presents. Finally managed to get a picture with you, never really take picture together. We also played UNO the whole night with the people at home. That was fun.
I was happy that I managed to cook simple birthday breakfast for him. After that I asked him to check under the bed for his presents. He was touched, he cried in happiness. I cried as well. I miss him so much.
Somehow I can see that this relationship is getting better slowly, but a bit too slow for me. I do understand that he needs time to adjust himself back to me and everything. But how long more should I wait for him to be back like last time? I think I've waited enough, long enough for something that I feel that I never did wrong about. Thing is, it's very simple, it's either he comes back or not at all.
One thing that I hate the most which I think he can never change is chatting and texting with different girls everyday in a very secretive way, Rachel, Maggie Ong, and don't know who else. I don't know whether he is being friendly or flirty. But when he said he want to make things right between us and he keeps doing this, it's just not acceptable. It's not about being possessive, but we can ask the whole world, which girlfriend would like it of their guy busy texting and chatting with girls everyday. I'm sure we all know the answers, we all have the same answers, not just me. Whether it's just a random talk or any other talk, it's all the same thing. Adding to that, keeping password on the phone is just another suspicious act. He was never like this. He was opened about everything, his friends, his phones, everything. Instead, he was the one that randomly checked my phone etc but I didn't mind. We had no secrets at all because we had nothing to hide from each other, not like now. Privacy was his reason for it, but there is difference between privacy and hiding things.
I hate the childish him now, the one that is kiasu of everything, kiasu of what people has, kiasu of what people do, everything. He keeps comparing what he has and what his mamak friends have. They have nice phone, faster internet, better phone provider, go to better uni, can go out to have fun and drink whenever they want to, bla bla bla. Maybe he should remember that one of his closest friend is single and another is also newly single, but he is not.
I try my best to trust him again, I keep telling myself to give this relationship another chance. I keep telling myself that everyone deserves chances to prove themselves. Or maybe I'm being too nice like what everyone tells me. I want to give it a go, I really do, maybe we really can make things better, but how long can I stay being like this, feeling like this all the time. This is how I want a relationship to be. I don't want relationship with lies and lack of openness. I don't want to argue with him all the time again whenever he meets new people then pushes me aside again for nothing that I did wrong.
I don't know, I really don't know. What I know now is to give him the best memorable memory of me........
I was happy that I managed to cook simple birthday breakfast for him. After that I asked him to check under the bed for his presents. He was touched, he cried in happiness. I cried as well. I miss him so much.
Somehow I can see that this relationship is getting better slowly, but a bit too slow for me. I do understand that he needs time to adjust himself back to me and everything. But how long more should I wait for him to be back like last time? I think I've waited enough, long enough for something that I feel that I never did wrong about. Thing is, it's very simple, it's either he comes back or not at all.
One thing that I hate the most which I think he can never change is chatting and texting with different girls everyday in a very secretive way, Rachel, Maggie Ong, and don't know who else. I don't know whether he is being friendly or flirty. But when he said he want to make things right between us and he keeps doing this, it's just not acceptable. It's not about being possessive, but we can ask the whole world, which girlfriend would like it of their guy busy texting and chatting with girls everyday. I'm sure we all know the answers, we all have the same answers, not just me. Whether it's just a random talk or any other talk, it's all the same thing. Adding to that, keeping password on the phone is just another suspicious act. He was never like this. He was opened about everything, his friends, his phones, everything. Instead, he was the one that randomly checked my phone etc but I didn't mind. We had no secrets at all because we had nothing to hide from each other, not like now. Privacy was his reason for it, but there is difference between privacy and hiding things.
I hate the childish him now, the one that is kiasu of everything, kiasu of what people has, kiasu of what people do, everything. He keeps comparing what he has and what his mamak friends have. They have nice phone, faster internet, better phone provider, go to better uni, can go out to have fun and drink whenever they want to, bla bla bla. Maybe he should remember that one of his closest friend is single and another is also newly single, but he is not.
I try my best to trust him again, I keep telling myself to give this relationship another chance. I keep telling myself that everyone deserves chances to prove themselves. Or maybe I'm being too nice like what everyone tells me. I want to give it a go, I really do, maybe we really can make things better, but how long can I stay being like this, feeling like this all the time. This is how I want a relationship to be. I don't want relationship with lies and lack of openness. I don't want to argue with him all the time again whenever he meets new people then pushes me aside again for nothing that I did wrong.
I don't know, I really don't know. What I know now is to give him the best memorable memory of me........
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Yes, No???
I'm confused. I'm confused with everything now. I don't know what is going on at the moment. It feels weird. I thought I should be happy but I feel nothing much about it. Or maybe I'm just so used to it now?
Sometimes I really wish that I can read minds. I don't ask for much but certainty. I'm unsure about everything now, too many whys in my head....only if someone can answer my whys then maybe I will feel better about things.
But one things I'm sure of is that I want to create memorable moments for you, me and us just in case if things don't work out as how we plan. Your day is coming soon, I want it to be proper.
Second chance? Will it work out this time? Will it be worth it? I'm too afraid to be broken again when I actually start to pick up the pieces of me together... I do want us but... I don't know. Somehow I feel like you are not that keen on it, that's why I'm considering about this second chance...
Sometimes I really wish that I can read minds. I don't ask for much but certainty. I'm unsure about everything now, too many whys in my head....only if someone can answer my whys then maybe I will feel better about things.
But one things I'm sure of is that I want to create memorable moments for you, me and us just in case if things don't work out as how we plan. Your day is coming soon, I want it to be proper.
Second chance? Will it work out this time? Will it be worth it? I'm too afraid to be broken again when I actually start to pick up the pieces of me together... I do want us but... I don't know. Somehow I feel like you are not that keen on it, that's why I'm considering about this second chance...
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