Openness

Today was the first day we actually went for class and only 4 people was there. The class was boring. Sigh.... We argued on the way home because I talked to other people, not you.

I Whatsapped with a friend who had the same experience. He was being treated the same way by his ex girlfriend therefore I feel like I have someone who can understand me, someone who I can talk to and share my feelings and problems with. And he was angry thinking that I would rather being open and talk to other people rather than talking to him.

One thing he never realises is that I have tried my best to be as open as possible to him, but when I talk out my minds and my feelings, he always denies and argues back. Maybe he feels that what I talk about is actually right, is the fact therefore he is in denial, he feels offended, that's why he starts to swear, yell and scream and I hate it, therefore I would rather keep it to myself and talk to others than have to face all this. All the time when I talk to him, he never want to listen to my views and  thinks that he is always right, that I'm not understandable enough, not this and not that, which ends up making me seems to be in the wrong position to ever open my mouth. I can never win the arguement as long as it has something to do with his friends, therefore I would rather shut my mouth, let him do whatever he wants to do.

I couldn't believe that he actually complained that I would prefer to talk to others than him. He never realised that he did the exact same thing, would rather talk to other people rather than me although I was sitting beside him, just like when we were on the way back from Blue Mountain. I was sitting beside him inside the bus but he was too busy whatsapped with his girl friends, and when I asked him why he didn't talk to me, he answered,"I feel much better talking to my friend compare to talking to you." If he ever think about it, he always says this kind of nasty, full of hatred things to me without ever consider my feelings at all. He has been saying nasty things to me and about me (he called me selfish bitch, stupid bitch, this bitch that bitch for something that I didn't do at all) for the past few months and I never said anything about it. He said it hurts that I didn't want to open up to him, has he ever think of how much it hurts for me when he looked out for other girls all the time and say those nasty things to me? He himself never really try to open up to me, how could he expect me to talk to him? Because I hate it when he starts to swear and says nasty things when I feel that I say nothing wrong at all. Talking to a friend who understands how I feel make me feel much better compare to talking to someone who never listen, or listen but never take any action about it.

When we came home and calmed down, we talked nicely. I told him, if he never want to compromise things, it will never work out between us, and we agreed to him going out only twice a week, hopefully he doesn't forget about it, because I actually stop caring about him at all. I'm tired to argue over the same thing always, feels stupid and dumb, one day it will come a time when  actually do not want to care anymore if he never change.

Sometimes when I think about us again, I really regret it to disagree to your request of registering in KL in order to be able for me to stay. If I did agree, we might be living a happy life together, life would have been much easier for us compare to here. I said no last time because I thought of us and our family, what would they say and react to it, therefore we came here as another option. Even from before we came here, we agreed to register here, to take this relationship to a stronger commitment and yet still have our own life. But when he came and started to meet new people, he changed his mind and his commitment about this relationship. I know maybe he is too afraid of the commitment because he still want to play around and have fun, to be able to flirt around, etc therefore he is very defensive and never say anything about this topic, never bring up this topic at all while he was the one very into it. I actually don't mind about registering because I know that he is the one I want, he is the one I feel comfortable with, he is the one that I can be myself with. Being registered here doesn't mean that he will lose his life. We still can register and live our life like usual, it's just a formality to be able to stay together, also proves that we are into this commitment, that's all I want. I also don't want to lose myself just because registering early but he never gets it, he is too afraid to be committed. By us being committed, it will be help him even more with his study, I can work and help him with the fee without him have to ask from his grandma, but he never sees this point. By us working hard together, we can try to make this relationship stronger again like last time after all that happened, maybe even better than last time.