Miss you much

I miss you lots. I want to make sure that I get to see you every morning, day and night. You are busy working tonight, will only be able to see you tomorrow night. I miss you much.

I miss us as well, the happy-full of love us together. I miss you holding my hand, hugging me, kissing me, telling me how much you love me, I miss you a lot. Day to day, the more I realise that you are my happiness and I need you to be by my side always. but I don't know if you feel the same way because the you now is not the same you like last time. How I wish I can turn back time and I want to stop the time when we spend all the good times together.

I love you, you are my happiness. But I want you to be happy as well, even without me being around, I will let you go, that's how much you mean to me, that's how much I care and love you....

Chances

Last night I waited for you to finish work, wanted to have dinner together. I went to Coles and Miracle, bought the canned stewed pork that you like and tofu to make soup. I waited for you at Chinatown and it was very cold. I told you earlier that I'd be waiting for you until I received a text saying that you are not happy that you can't drink with your friends. Your friends are always more important. I can never interrupt your time with your friends or you will be pissed at me. but somehow I'm used to it already. All I wanted to do was make full use of the remaining three weeks time. You kept asking me where I want to go and what about the three weeks time. I told you I want to end things between us for our good, want to give you your happiness, but I didn't expect you would reply "U r my happiness". Why do you do this thing when it's about to end?


You came back early while your other friends were still drinking. I was glad. I never restrict you from going out with your friends, but this is how I want it to be, don't just wait for everyone to leave then only you leave together, I want you to go out with them but still come back early for me, divide time equally, at least you still get to go out and come back I still get some part of you. All the time I am not happy that you go out drinking because you always come back late, spend all your time for your friend and never think about me at all. Is this a sign that you want to make things better between us?


Before we had our dinner, yo asked me to talk about it in your room. You kept asking me about the three weeks things. You should know what it is all about, three weeks for your decision and then I leave. You asked me not to give up, you asked me not to leave, you asked me to give you another chance to prove yourself. You were sorry for things. You started to look for room for us again. You said sorry for the delay because if we stayed to the plan, we would have moved out by now.


After last night, I wonder to myself whether you really have changed, slowly change back to my old Nicholas. I keep asking myself if this chance is worth it. I'm just to afraid of being hurt again because it hit me so hard. I know that you can't go back to the exact same Nicholas that I love, things changed and we grow up a bit more, but I miss the caring Nicholas, the Nicholas who was there for me, Nicholas who was not shy and afraid to hold my hand and hug me in public, Nicholas who was proud to show his friends, his family and everyone that I was the one, Nicholas who was sure that I was the one he wanted to be with, Nicholas who I could talk and laugh about silly things, Nicholas who could make me laugh when I was crying, Nicholas who was there to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be ok as long as we both stick to one. That Nicholas was and still is my world and part of me literally died when he disappeared. 

Another chance, is it worth it to make things work between us instead of creating more pain? Can I trust you again? Is it the right decision to give you my heart again? I'm too afraid to be broken one more time because I love you way too much, more than what you can imagine. Don't come back if you are to burn me down one more time. All I can hope for is you to really make things work for us. All I want is you who realise what you have when you have me, not you to realise what you have when you start to lose me, then only come back to me. I don't want that kind of love, I want sincere love just like what we used to have for each other last time....

I miss you sayang, come back soon....

Another day

I woke up early and went to your room to continue my sleep. It was good to be able to sleep with you just like last time when we were happy together. I miss those moments so so much.

Last night I actually asked you about the share room that you talked about when you were unwell. You said looking for a nice decent room, but you didn't try to search again after that morning. I didn't want to say much about it, as in I start to accept things that happened between us. If he really wants it then I let him do that part of the job. I just want him to actually do something for us because I've put my best efforts. It was a good spent time last night, we were on your bed talking about food, spent some time together, you also asked if I wanted to sleep together, but I said no, I only want to if you really want me to stay.

It's weird that you asked me why I sang the jet plane song. If you really know me well enough, you should know that I only actually sing when a song describes my current feeling. I've been listening to jet plane song because that song really describes my feeling right now. All I want to do is to spend proper time with you, create good memories for us after all the fights and all the things that happened between us. I just want you to always remember me, I don't want you to remember all the bad times that we had here, I want you to remember the good times we have after all that happened. I don't want you to have bad memories about me. I want there is still a single dot of me in you in your whole life so you can never forget about me.

Three weeks to go and I'm counting down.  I hope you make a good decision for you, me and us. I'm preparing myself for the worst. Although I really hate it if I have to leave, but I do all that for your happiness, which matters the most for me. I keep telling myself, if he really wants me to stay he should do something about it, but I wonder if he cares enough about it. I wonder if he's going to do something to make me stay. I wonder if he really loves me still just like how I love him always. The feeling for him never changed at all despite of the things that happened, the pain and the hurt, instead it grows fonder. It makes me realise that he plays a big part in my world, my happiness, that I need him more and more each day... I miss you

Leaving on a jet plane

This is how I'm feeling at the moment

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Are we ........?

Day to day I get confused even more. I don't know what we are right now. I don't know whether we are still considered as being together or just friends. Sometimes it feels like we are getting better but sometimes it feels like we are getting further as well. I really don't know what to do about this. How I wish I can read your minds or at least you open up to me, talk to me more often about what you think of us.

I hate things hanging like this without any certainty. I would rather you tell me things straight on my face rather than keep me wondering like this. Even if the truth hurts, I don't mind as long as I know what's going on between us.

If one day I choose to leave, I hope you won't be angry at me for giving up so fast on us. I've tried my best but if I think that this relationship has no direction, I have to end this here rather than we get hurt in the future. Please don't ask me whys if you can't find me one day. You need not worry, even if I choose to leave, part of me always have you in it because you mean the world to me. Please don't ask me to come back as well if you don't have any intention to keep me. I'm just too afraid of getting hurt again. I'm not a toy where you throw away whenever you are bored, I have heart that is fragile and easily broken.

Coincidence, yes??

I dreamt of you last night, or more to just before I woke up. I dreamt of you coming back to me, I dreamt of us getting back together just like the old happy us. That's one of the thing that I really want at this moment, but I realise it was just a dream.

When I woke up, I saw a whatsapp message from you when I just opened my eyes. You messaged,"Dudut, u awake? Dudut?" and I replied,"Jz woke up" then you replied back,"Poo, come here.. ;(". I immediately got out of the bed and went to your room. Surprisingly your room door was already opened but you were lying down there. Something didn't seem right and I was correct, you were unwell, feeling sick. You told me that you felt very uncomfortable, very cold and neck pain. I checked and you had fever. I was very worried. I heated up the soup, added pepper, boiled water and brought everything into your room. I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I helped you to apply the Vicks to your body as well and you had some more rest. When helping you to apply Vicks, I realised at that moment, you were my old Nicholas, whom let go of the pride and needed me to be around. For once, I was glad that you were the same person, even if only when you were sick. I really miss the old you who was not to proud of yourself.

Out of nowhere, you asked me about the links for room. I was wondering what room you were talking about and you said the room that we wanted to share last time. I didn't expect that at all, was surprised instead. Somehow you make me wonder to myself, was it true that you wanted to look for room for us again. I don't know what was on your mind this morning. Did you really mean it? Or maybe you were sick and knew that you needed me around? Or maybe it was just a one time feeling because you thought you needed me around but then after you got better you forget about it? How I wish I can read your minds. I don't want to think too much now to prevent me getting hurt again, I'm very afraid of being hurt again therefore I distant myself from anything that possible to hurt me. How I wish you really mean it just now. How I wish you are still keen to look around for the room for us. 


Coincidence isn't it, my dream and what happened this morning? I don't want to hope too much. It was just a dream afterall. I don't want to confuse myself with the dream of us. Let the dream stays in the dreamland because we live in the reality, real world where everything is cruel. But I can't help but think to myself, will that time of us getting back together, happy together ever come true....

Counting down to one month time, 3 weeks to go... I have to get myself ready to get going >.< Just remember, even when I leave, it doesn't mean that I don't care. I care too much therefore I choose to leave....

One more week to go

Your birthday is coming soon. I didn't get to celebrate your birthday with you last year but hopefully I can make it this year. Hopefully you are not too busy with your friends because you told me that you want to spend your birthday together with me. We never know, it might be the last birthday that I celebrate with you therefore I want to make things proper. I want it to be memorable just incase if one day we are no longer together, it can remind you of me in every way.

All I wish for your birthday is for you to be able to find your happiness. Your happiness means so much to me even if I'm not part of it. Just like what people says, when you love someone all you want to see is their happiness, and this is what I'm doing right now. I will slowly go because I don't want you to be confused anymore. If I go, it will slowly ends your confusion and you can be happy. Yeah it hurts, but it doesn't matter as long as one day I can see you smiling at me, just like last time, smile that full of love, pure from the heart. 

And after I leave and you realise that you need me to be around, worry not, I will always be there even though you can't find me, because I know I can't leave you alone, but I will be watching you from afar to make sure that you are ok. And if you one day ask me to come back, maybe I will but I'm not sure.....

You are the first that shows me what love is all about. I've learnt a lot.You are the first that really mean a lot to me therefore it's very difficult for me to let go of this feeling for you. You may not know how much I actually love and care for you, but I really do. You are not just one random person, you are the world, you mean the world to me, that's how much I love you.....

Off day

I really don't know what to do about us and this relationship. I start to lose hope. I don't see the willingness from your side to make things better.

It's irony on how things have changed since we came here. When the first we came here, we were very good together, we supported each other all the time. We went through the hard time together when we had no more cash at all and struggling looking for job to be able to survive, to pay rent, to eat, etc. Now that we have everything, we started to go separate ways, enjoying lives separately. I thought by going through all the hard time we could make things stronger but I was wrong. Instead, when we have everything, that's when people start to change, in lifestyle, behaviour, etc. And this is what's happening with us now.

Even  start from this week onwards, I can see that you will be more than happy to go for work knowing that the other person will be there most of the time working together with you for these two weeks. You could tell me that you haven't been in contact with her, but surely these two weeks will be a good bonding sessions again between the two of you and things going to start again between you two, the flirt, the text messages, need I say more? I'm pretty sure you haven't even thought of what to do for the one month period about us.

But whatever happens, I start to accept fact that memory stays while life have to go on. Finally I have the courage to box things up, everything that remind me of you and us. 


I have been missing Micky a lot lately. Baby, how I wish you are around here to accompany me to go through all the hard times. I'm sorry to have to leave you behind in KL. I'm sorry as well that the relationship between mommy and daddy doesn't go well here....

Timeline - 1

It all started in 2009 when I posted the status of "be here, hold me, hug me, kiss me" posted on facebook on 10 August 2009 and you replied "can, I can help you to do all that". Then I saw your phone number on your facebook and texted when I was bored. You asked me who it was and I replied,"the fairest maiden on earth". Lol. From then onwards, we started to message each other all the time, shared webcam through MSN, met in between classes, etc. Belinda, Ayuni and Arafa started to tease me about you.

I still remembered you asking to see my pink LG icecream phone and you typed the message in asking me to be your girlfriend. Then I told you that you were not gentle enough, I only like guy who asked me directly and you eventually did but I didn't answer you immediately. On the 29th of August 2009, you texted me when I just woke up asking what I was going to do for the day, I said going to Pyramid t buy white heels from Nose and yo offered to accompany me. Later in the evening, you came and picked me up and we went to Pyramid. I still remembered we parked the car opposite Sunway Hotel. We went for Ghosts of Girlfriend Past movie and after that we went to have soups at Zen. I had Minestone and you had Mushroom soup. You held my head throughout the night after the movie. Very sweet of you. Then when going back, you accompanied me upstairs because I was afraid to go up alone in the midnight because of drunk people. Then we talked in my room and I was leaning on you. I expected you to know my answer to your question and you did. When you left the house, you told me you forgot something and you gave a quick kiss on my cheek.

Two days after that, we went to Bukit Tinggi with Ayuni and Belinda. It was our first proper date. It was fun, took a lot of pictures as well. We went to Klang for Bak Kut Teh, Bukit Tinggi then Lookout Point for dinner. From then onwards, we were very happy together, enjoyed each other companion a lot, wanted to be with each other everyday, all the time.


In September/October that year, we went to Langkawi together. We had so much fun with Ayuni, Belinda, Afafa and Alson.

In October, me and the girls, Belinda and Afafa stayed out for our birthday together. And you were there as well. We went out for my birthday dinner at Lookout Point. You gave me the bracelet with beads. Then we went back to the hotel to sing birthday song together and you stayed over with us that night.

November 1st, we went home from the stayout. That day was unforgettable. If you read this, you should know what happened there.

Then I finish my Higher Diploma in December and I went home for 2months. We missed each other like crazy. We messaged, called, and skyped all the time for the 2months time.

Sigh.....

A shocking news! Not really shocking though, but not expected as well, but it's predictable.
One lie to another, don't know how many more to go.

A friend of mine actually snapped a pic and sent it to me. Here is the pic:

"Can cancer and a gemini work?" posted on 16th of June.

Maybe I'm just used to this sort of things now. Not many people know that we are having some problems now therefore my friend, the bird snapped this and asked me because the bird thought that we are still both ok. And the bird knows that I'm a Scorpio, not a Gemini therefore the bird asked me about it. What could I say? All I answered was," ask him, not me!" Humiliated and embarrassed, that's how I feel.

I really don't understand. I asked for break up, you argued with me. When I brought up the topic about her, you said that you haven't been in contact with her lately. But although you haven't been in contact with her, you mind never stop contacting her at all. If you really want her, or you think that she's going to be better than me, going to love and care for you more than me, why don't you let me go? Afraid that you might regret it one day? I don't get you anymore.

I have given you chances to prove yourself but nothing works. I understand you are a bit slow sometimes, but if you do love me, you wouldn't let me be in pain for that long. You really have taken me for granted way too much. I love you yes, but this is just not right, the way you treat me.

I'm hurt so so much, but surprisingly I wasn't shocked when I saw this. Thank you my bird.

Too late??

I woke up this morning, my phone showed the time of 10.32am. I immediately took of my socks and jumped off bed. I just wanted to make sure that I managed to see you for a bit before you went off for work because I wouldn't be able to see until tomorrow night. That's how much you mean to me but I guess you never realise it.

I finally gathered up all my courage to talk to you last night, by email tough because I don't know how to talk about it face to face. I sent you a mail asking you t think of what you really want out of us and this relationship. You can't keep me hanging like this. You said you love me, You said you want to live single life but you need me around, I am important to you. You always confused me with this. When I finally managed all my feelings two night ago, a single I love you words always softens my heart. Because I believe that we still can make through this tough phase in our relationship if we really want to work hard for it, both fight for it.

I don't know what is in your mind. I don't know what you are thinking. I don't know what you want. How I wish I can read minds, not everyone's but yours. I really want to know whether there is still me there left, even just a single dot of me. I want to know whether you still really care of just to say things to make me happy. I want to know what is at the back of your head. I want to know what do you want to do about us. I want to know this, I want to know that, I want all the answers to whys and what ifs.

Maybe it's my fault to love and care for you too much. The more you love the more you get hurt. But I truly love you with all my heart. I'm hurt and in so much pain but I don't know why I'm stupid enough to stay in this pain. I should've moved on but my heart keeps telling me no, because my heart knows you the best and it believes in second or maybe this is considered third chance for us.

I don't know whether you feel the same. I don't know whether I still ever cross your mind. But one thing for sure that I know is that your love for me has changed, not the genuine one like last time, not the wholehearted one like last time. I know your heart is divided with the other party as well, or maybe not, but at the back of your heart you can't seem to forget things about her. I have my reasonings to say so. But I hope that maybe I think wrongly or what I saw was wrong.

I miss u sayang.....

What is ............?

What is freedom?
- the state of being free or at liberty rather than inconfinement or under physical restraint
- exemption from external control, interference, regulation

What is independent?
- not influenced by the thought or action of others
- not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence
- not relying on another for aid or support

Those are the different meaning of independent and freedom. Your english is better then mine therefore you should know this better than me.You said you want independence, but from what I see, you want more of a freedom than independence. Freedom to do whatever you like, go out and come back whenever you wish, hang out with any people, no one to control you, that's what you actually want.

What do you actually want? I'm confused

Lost

I don't know..... I really don't know. I don't know what to do about us. Seems like you never bother about us at all because all you care is about you and you. Should I go, should I leave??

If you really want to let go of me, or want to give up on us, please let me go.... I can't bear to have you around but we are not the same. So close yet so far. I miss hugging you, holding you like last ime knowing that you were all mine.

First thing

Every morning when I wake up, We are the first thing that pops in my mind. It is how important you are to me, it is how much I do care for you and for us. I miss us, I miss you and me together like last time. Not only miss the you and me that had so much fun, I also miss us that went through all the thicks and downs together and yet we were very strong. We fought hard for this relationship, we did everything for this relationship. Because we truly cared for each other.

But after all the hard times that we went through together, where are we now?Why do we become like this?I thought all the hard times supposed to make us and this relationship stronger, but look at what happened to us now. Why do we have to give up after we gone through this far together? Isn't it such a waste for all our hard works all this while, fought so hard to stay together?

Sometimes I don't get you and your way of thinking. I fully understand your want to achieve your goals. But what does it have to do with this relationship. It seems like you are sacrificing this relationship for your own goal and I don't think it's fair for me. Since we got back together, I keep telling myself that this time round I don't to see failure in this relationship because I truly need you in my life, therefore when things happened, it kills me. Isn't it even better that we can live and work towards our goal and at the same time we work this relationship out? Isn't it a better outcome where we can achieve our goals and yet prove to people that we can stay strong together? It's double achievements which will make us feel even greater of ourselves.

I just want you to see things from different view and think out of the box. If you really want to put this relationship in pause, why did you get angry when I told you that maybe it's better if we call it off? If you really want me to be around, if I'm really important, why do you have to let go of me in times like this? Don't you know how much I want to be by your side, to be there for you always? You said that you can't bear to see a failure in our relationship, but by what you are doing now, it's the same thing as leading it to a failure slowly but surely.

I never even once thought of letting go of you after how you treated me and everything, but why do you even think of letting go of me? If what we have all this while is true, I want you and me to fight for us, together......

Never give up

Never give up on something that you really care because you may never know what's going to happen tomorrow. Someone might have to go away for some reason like family urgent, accidents or maybe death.

To achieve something in our life, it doesn't mean that we have to let go. We are still different individual, we still do our own things, we still decide and do things for ourself. The people around us are the only support or the ones giving suggestions and advices but despite of that, everything is back to ourself.

I've gone through so much to realise that I'm happy to have you around. I need nothing else but you. You are the one that matters. People around me are only giving suggestions, but everything is back to myself to decide. Just like the current situation, everyone ask me to leave, to leave you and the pain, but me myself decide to stay back, keep holding on. If I'm to leave you, I would have left you since the first moment you hurt me. Do you ever think of what makes me stay still? Do you know why I choose to keep holding on? Because I know I'm happy to be around you, to have you around therefore I don't give up no matter how much pain you put me through. After all that we've been through together, I think it's such as waste if we just give up now. Never even a single second I thought of leaving you. I still believe that we can make it.

I don't want you to give up on us. Just like me, I try my best and despite of all that, I still stay because my heart asks me to. Follow your heart, that's what people say and I do, I'm following my heart. I just don't want you to cross out this relationship no matter how hard the situation is or how hard it will be later on. As long as we are together, we know we are going to make it through. But why do you have to think of giving up on us? You know what we have for each other is true. Some people search very hard for love, but why do we want to give up on what we already have? Together we will be strong.

I hope you do consider about this and about us....



I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us 
God knows I'm tough enough
We've got a lot to learn 
God knows we're worth it 

What do you exactly want???

I was very nervous when talking to you about us just now. But your reaction was unexpected. You were very calm. But I couldn't believe it that you didn't even notice that I went missing for 3 days, more of 3 nights and 4 days. You argued with me that you care. You argued with me that you love. But I don't see any prove.

You told me that you want us still, you are just in the process of finding yourself. But the thing is, if you yourself is not sure of what you want or how you want things to be, how sure are you that you want me to be around? Or are you treating me like your comfort zone where you can turn to when you are in need or when you have no one to be there for you.

Please make up your mind and don't drag me into your own confusions. These confusions of yours have nothing to do with me at all. It's either a yes or a no for both of us. You want me to wait, you said you will come back,but how long do I have to wait? And when I said I want to move on, you were pissed. What am I for you then, a barbie doll with no heart that you can keep or kick whenever you want to?

Relationship is always about two people to work together. But when there is only one party to work things out, is it still considered as a relationship? Maybe yes for you but not or me. It's all about commitment. I'm still with mine but where is yours? And you can't keep up to the commitment and yet you still want to keep me by your side. For what? For nothing? To waste my time? There is actually no need for break in a relationship, it's either a yes or no, as simple as that.Why do we have to make things complicated? Because you are not sure of what you want?

You said that you care and you love but you never show it. Why is it only when I want to walk away then only you act like you care. It's now hard for me to differentiate whether you really care or you act like you care because for me both are almost the same now from the way you've been treating me. If you do care, show it. You don't show that you care for me but when something happen to your friend, you always text or call or look for them to make sure that you are ok, but you don't do the same to me. Is that what you considered as your way of caring. It's more like, when I'm about to die then only you care and while I'm sick you never show up. Too late isn't it?

I'm no longer your toy. You asked me to do things for myself? Yes I will.....

The night

I wonder if this is what I really want. I wonder if I might regret this decision. I wonder if this is the best decision to take. I wonder if this is the best solution.

Dear God, if this is how it should be, then let it be. Give me strength through all this, especially tonight. If he is meant to be mine then don't let him slip away from me. And if he is not meant to be mine and this is how it should be, please distant him from me in the best possible, less hurtful way for men I put everything in Your hand tonight. Please guide me...

Hopefully this will end all the confusions, yours and mine, about us, about what we want, about everything. I let you go it's not because I don't care and love you anymore. It's because I care dearly therefore I want you to be happy. We always want to see the people that we love to be happy, so this's it. I care for you with all my heart....

Confusion

Sometimes I wonder if you truly care. I've been missing for few days and yet you still don't show how much you care. When I'm around, you treat me like strangers and when I'm away you don't bother asking where I am. Maybe its your ego as a guy. Somehow I just wanna tell myself that no, he actually cares just that because of his ego, he doesn't show it out. Even if it's true, girls need assurance, need proves that he actually cares.

Despite ally confusions, I think I better start thinking for myself as well. People says that if you love someone, you want them to be happy. And yes, I do care and love you with all my heart therefore I will no longer hold you back, I will let you go. Freedom - that's your birthday present for this year, maybe the best thing I can give you although it kills me inside but yes, that's yours now. You are free to do everything that you want, mingle with whoever you want, date whichever girl you want. Maybe that will also be the last birthday present for you.

Let me be an adult here. After all my thinking sessions, I want to stop playing the blaming game. You sort of blame me for everything that's why you have all the negativity towards me. If I'm to blame you, I have as much to blame as well. Because of you I came here. Because of you now I have no objective to stay here. If not because of you, I might have started my career elsewhere, started working and earning my own money instead of doing this diploma. Because of you I've been hurt by your family. Because of you and coming here, I argued with my dad. Because of you my dad had a bit of hard time for me to come here. Because of being with you I have to let micky stay back in kl alone. I have a long list as well. But I ain't be like kids, I don't wanna start playing this blame game.

If we are meant to be together, there will be a way one day. If we are not meant to be together, maybe that's how this should end.

Me doing this, its not that I don't love you. I do, I really do, but I can't bear the pain as well. Letting you go is the only choice that I have right now..... It hurts me but maybe It's for the best, for you and for me and for us

Missing still

Second day miasing and still you don't care. I guess you will never care for me anymore. Maybe it's time for me to decide my mind. Maybe it's a wake up call now for me from all this knowing that you are not the same person anymore. You have changed. I've lost you.....

Shouldn't have come here...

Sometimes when I think to myself, if I know that we are going to be like how we are now, I would rather have the long distance relationship with you back in KL than losing you when you are here. Both hurts, but it kills me for losing you.

I don't expect much, I don't demand much, what I want is that you come back to me unconditionally, just like my feeling to you, unconditionally.

I really hope that one day you will wake up and realise everything that you have done to me and to us. I won't call it as wrong doings but more to impulsive doings. I'm sure your surroundings that turn you to be like how you are now. Do you actually realise how much you have changed?

I stay still hoping that you will realise all this and return to me. Some say that I'm the dumbest person on earth to ever take this decision as there are millions of guys that I can choose from but you. But my lovr for you is the one that makes me stay. I will stay until the day that I can't hold on anymore, hopefully you will return before that time comes....

Loving you dearly as always, sayang

Don't care

I know that you don't care, I know that you don't bother. But somehow I do hope thete is still a single tiny piece left for me in your heart, and please let that piece stays.

I may not be the best, I may not be perfect, I may not be the person who you wanna be with but deep down you jnow that I never stop caring about you.

I may seem ok but I'm actually not. You may think that I start flirting around with guys very fast and that I never changed but you are wrong. It's just to distract myself from thinking about my chances of losing you.

I do still want you to be around, dut. I miss you a lot

Away

Time to get awag from the stress and depression for a while. Nobody carea anyway.

You called but for reason that I didn't know of because I didn't pick up the call, most probably asking for the key therefore I texted just to let you know where the key is.

It has been a long day, worked from morning til late at night. But I didn't go home after work, instead, I go somewhere else to find temporary peace for my mind from all the depression.

I know you are not gonna care anyway. Or maybe even better if I don't show up anymore so you can have full freedom to do and have whatever you've been eanting all this while.

Just to let you know, it hurts to leave you behind and have to start everything over, alone, by myself, without you being around, try to forget our commitment that ,i have been keeping.

I wondrr if you ever miss me too? Or have I ever cross your mind again?

Away

I can't bear the stress and depression knowing that I'm gonna lose you anytime. Maybe I should just let go, see if you care enough to come back. That's what people have been telling me, let you go, see if you'll come back. And if not, it proves that you are not worth it anymore. But I'm scared of the fact that you might never come back to me at all.

People have been telling me to move on, to let go, that it's not worth to fight for anymore. Even you yourself told me not to fight and not to beg, let loose. I think to myself again, maybe I should just listen because there is no point of fighting hard to get you back and you fight with me at the same time to go away.

I will disappear, slowly but surely, I'm trying to stick all the fine pieces in me back in one then I will start to walk slowly, take one step at a time......

I love u much, I really do

Should I should I not?

I'm lost without you. Only if you care. How I wish you would turn back and get me when I fall. I'm falling deep into the hole and waiting for you to pull me out of there.

Does the 3years that we spent together really mean nothing at all now? How about all the memory that we created together?

I miss u say, please come back soon.....

Love

Love is simple but why do peole make it very complicated?

To love and be loved, as simple as that

Another Day

Waking up every morning thinking that I can lose you anytime, it kills me deep down from the inside, thinking that I may never be able to have you back like last time.

I really miss the good old times together. How I wish you would open up your mouth and talk, discuss things on how to settle our problems, the problems that seem to be endless if we keep playing the blaming game and counting hurts from each other.

I miss you say :(

Unsaid Words

So many things going on, so many things changed.

I'm in deep pain and everyone knows it except you. You clearly know that you meant the world to me and yet you don't even bother to give my colourful back just like before.

Love is not about counting who did wrong and how many times the other party hurt us. If love is there, no matter what happens, it will stay the same. Love is about forgiveness.

I have forgiven whatever that happened recently because I know everyone deserve a second chance as in nobody's perfect. But you don't even bother to try to find your way back to us.

I still remember when we just got back together, you asked me not to leave, you asked me to promise to always be by your side, you asked me to be a partner of yours always and I said I will and I stick to that commitment. But what happened to you now? Where are the promises that we made together?

Even before we came here, we agreed to our commitments which are to come here together to make this relationship stronger than ever, to always be there for each other, to support each other, to always love and cherish each other. And I stick to the commitment still. Knowing that you don't even remember about these promises is what hurts me the most.

You know we've gone through ups and downs together, we've been through all the thicks and thins together, but why now when we can finally be together then you let go? You don't even fight for me instead you push me away from you life?

All that happened, your playfulness, your uncertainty, your harsh nasty words, your rude behaviour, I forgive everything that happened. All I want is for you to be back. Do you know ho much I do miss you a lot? You were my other half and you still are. You mean the world to me and now that you are gone, my world is left with only black and white.

Whatever I did, whatever words I said, I never really mean it except when I told you that I do miss and love you a lot, those are for real.

We've been fighting so hard to be able to stay together, but how come when we've come so far, things changed? I thought we are unbreakable, we are always strong as long as we are together, you and me against the world, but you are the one that broke it and because of that, I'm broken and torn into pieces.

How I wish I can hold you in my arm like last time, have you all by myself, spending all the quality time together, only you and me. Look back at how happy we were together. I miss those moments, every and each of the time we spent together mean a lot to me. It may mean nothing to you now, but it still means the world to me. Never stop caring and loving you, dut.....