Hardest time!

Dear Lord,

On this Easter day, I have made one of the hardest decision in my past few years. You know how much he and this relationship mean to me, you know how hard I've tried for everything. I try not to think about it but I just can't. I can forget it for a while but when it comes back, I can hardly breathe. I'm very afraid. I'm very afraid if he won't look for me anymore, he won't respond to my texts and calls. I'm very afraid to lose him. For almost four years, he is not only a boyfriend, but much more than that. He has been a very god friend and brother to me, he is more like my other half, my soulmate, someone who knows me inside out, from my goods to my bads. I know I'm going to miss him like mad everyday but I leave everything in Your hand. I believe this is the best for us at this moment. I have to be fair in my decision. I want him to grow up and face life challenges. I want him to come back to me still but only when he grows up.

Lord, I'm stressed up on the fact that I won't see him as much anymore, the possibility that he will be busy with his own thing and there is no time to think about me at all. I think that he won't miss me as much as I'm gonna miss him. I'm actually very scared to let him go. After mommy, I always tell myself that I don't want to lose the people whom I love dearly. The feeling that I'm having now is like when I lost mommy. Please help me to be strong with this decision. I have to realise that what I need now is to be respected than loved. Relationship is about two people, I can't let him control me all the time no matter how much I love him. He is the very first guy who I introduced to my family and when family is involved in a relationship, it's a serious matter. But after all that happened in the one year time we were here together, I think it's best to let him go and have all his fun and hopefully to come back to me after he achieves some of his wants.

I believe in You Lord that if we are meant to be together, we will still be back together after all this, even after 10 years later if it's meant to be then it will. I hope it will because inside I know that he is a guy with super nice heart to treasure the people around him, but maybe it's the new environment that changed him. I hope he will find the old caring him back, even if it's not for me, but for the people around him. He is selfish at times, he is strong headed at times, but that is him that I love dearly. He says hurtful things and runs away from problems but that is still him that I want. He is a nice boyfriend who treats the girlfriend like a princess. He doesn't show his feelings, he doesn't express his love but deep down inside I know how he feels for me. It hurts so much that whenever I think of this, my tears flow by itself nonstop. I miss him Lord, I really do, I miss the him that used to care for me, not the one that hides me from his world. I miss to be included in his life, his circle of friends, his activities, his daily life. I miss all that.

I can't do much now. All I can do is to pray for the best for us. All I can ask for is the best to happen between the two of us. I hope he still loves me as much as I do love him all these years. I will miss him more than anything because he is my home here, he is my companion when I have no one to turn to, he is my everything here and even when I was back in KL. We came here together to support and be with one other but somehow things changed for a bit. I hope that this separation is only for temporary, not for permanent and long term. I want us to be back together after things settled. I wish by that time I will be able to find my Nicholas back, my sayang that has been with me for almost four year, the daddy of Micky boy.

I have to be strong, I have to be able to do this. I may act strong, but those who know me well know how broken and fragile I am to make this decision. I have cried enough, I had sleepless nights because of this. Sayang, if you happen to read this post, please tell me about how much you love me all this while and how you feel about this, only you know how much you mean to me. I hope you know that I really still want us to be together after this. I only want this to be temporary, for us to grow up, not for us to be broken to pieces. I'm going to miss you so so so so much. Like I told you before, these few years have been very wonderful and I cherish our time with all my heart. I'm glad that I have you around. I'm glad that I found you. I love you

Crossroads

I'm confused. There is a big dilemma in me. It's about the decision to take. I'm afraid that I might regret it later on. It's very difficult. It has been tearing me apart. Which one should I choose? What should I do?

To stay or to leave??

I've chose to stay for many many times but things never turn out as how I wanted them to be. Is it a wake up call that it's time to leave and see what I really want out of all this? But what if when I choose to leave and I regret it later? On the other side I keep asking myself that how many times should I try to make things work? I've been the one to try hard for the past one whole year when things started to turn upside down. I've pushed myself to the limit of my patience. However, if I leave now, is it gonna be worth it, why would I try hard back then? A part of me says that I should keep trying since I've gone this far, but another part says that enough is enough, if he wants me then he should have tried hard since before, not now.

Sometimes I really wish to see the future aheads me to help me to make up my mind. STAY OR LEAVE???

This is me!

For those who know me for some time, they know how I really am. For those who love me, they accept me as it it. When I'm not ok, I'm not ok.

I can't smile and act like nothing happened. I'm no fake! I can't act like there is nothing while there are so many things going on. I'm not like other people. I'm not a good actor, I don't act. If I'm not happy, I show my grumpy face and simply shut my mouth. I'm not like other who can smile and not feel guilty for something bad, I can't come home and act like there is nothing going on at home while having affairs outside. I can't tell people to look at me in the eyes to believe my words while telling all the lies.

If I tell people that I love them, I mean it. I mean every single word I say. If I say you are important it means you are and you will be my priority, not like others who can say love and those sort of things but still make the person feel like shit all the time.

Is it gonna be worth it?

One chance after another, how many chances I have given out. I'm not usually soft like this. I'm nice and being taken for granted, and when I'm not being nice, I'm called bitch. How many chances do people deserve to be given? How many chances have to be wasted before it is being full used?

I have tried again and again. But there is always question deep down inside me,"Will it gonna be worth it this time?". My head and my heart often argues, even when sleeping. The head says one thing and the heart says the other thing. Which one should I follow?

I guess the current me now that don't say much it's because I'm just used to being like this, because I remember when I used to voice out all my opinions, I was never been heard therefore I preferred to shut up. I have always this way, I always want people to realise their doings without the need of me pointing out everytime. If they know me well, they should know that I'm this type of person, especially after all the incidents that happened last year.

New year should be a better start for everything. When someone says that they want to change, how long will it last from the moment they speak it out, one week, two weeks, one months, two months? Then will the changes be for long term or short term? Do they really want to change at the first place? If they do, how much effort do they put it to make it better? These are all the things that count, not just the words "I want to change".