Hardest time!

Dear Lord,

On this Easter day, I have made one of the hardest decision in my past few years. You know how much he and this relationship mean to me, you know how hard I've tried for everything. I try not to think about it but I just can't. I can forget it for a while but when it comes back, I can hardly breathe. I'm very afraid. I'm very afraid if he won't look for me anymore, he won't respond to my texts and calls. I'm very afraid to lose him. For almost four years, he is not only a boyfriend, but much more than that. He has been a very god friend and brother to me, he is more like my other half, my soulmate, someone who knows me inside out, from my goods to my bads. I know I'm going to miss him like mad everyday but I leave everything in Your hand. I believe this is the best for us at this moment. I have to be fair in my decision. I want him to grow up and face life challenges. I want him to come back to me still but only when he grows up.

Lord, I'm stressed up on the fact that I won't see him as much anymore, the possibility that he will be busy with his own thing and there is no time to think about me at all. I think that he won't miss me as much as I'm gonna miss him. I'm actually very scared to let him go. After mommy, I always tell myself that I don't want to lose the people whom I love dearly. The feeling that I'm having now is like when I lost mommy. Please help me to be strong with this decision. I have to realise that what I need now is to be respected than loved. Relationship is about two people, I can't let him control me all the time no matter how much I love him. He is the very first guy who I introduced to my family and when family is involved in a relationship, it's a serious matter. But after all that happened in the one year time we were here together, I think it's best to let him go and have all his fun and hopefully to come back to me after he achieves some of his wants.

I believe in You Lord that if we are meant to be together, we will still be back together after all this, even after 10 years later if it's meant to be then it will. I hope it will because inside I know that he is a guy with super nice heart to treasure the people around him, but maybe it's the new environment that changed him. I hope he will find the old caring him back, even if it's not for me, but for the people around him. He is selfish at times, he is strong headed at times, but that is him that I love dearly. He says hurtful things and runs away from problems but that is still him that I want. He is a nice boyfriend who treats the girlfriend like a princess. He doesn't show his feelings, he doesn't express his love but deep down inside I know how he feels for me. It hurts so much that whenever I think of this, my tears flow by itself nonstop. I miss him Lord, I really do, I miss the him that used to care for me, not the one that hides me from his world. I miss to be included in his life, his circle of friends, his activities, his daily life. I miss all that.

I can't do much now. All I can do is to pray for the best for us. All I can ask for is the best to happen between the two of us. I hope he still loves me as much as I do love him all these years. I will miss him more than anything because he is my home here, he is my companion when I have no one to turn to, he is my everything here and even when I was back in KL. We came here together to support and be with one other but somehow things changed for a bit. I hope that this separation is only for temporary, not for permanent and long term. I want us to be back together after things settled. I wish by that time I will be able to find my Nicholas back, my sayang that has been with me for almost four year, the daddy of Micky boy.

I have to be strong, I have to be able to do this. I may act strong, but those who know me well know how broken and fragile I am to make this decision. I have cried enough, I had sleepless nights because of this. Sayang, if you happen to read this post, please tell me about how much you love me all this while and how you feel about this, only you know how much you mean to me. I hope you know that I really still want us to be together after this. I only want this to be temporary, for us to grow up, not for us to be broken to pieces. I'm going to miss you so so so so much. Like I told you before, these few years have been very wonderful and I cherish our time with all my heart. I'm glad that I have you around. I'm glad that I found you. I love you

Crossroads

I'm confused. There is a big dilemma in me. It's about the decision to take. I'm afraid that I might regret it later on. It's very difficult. It has been tearing me apart. Which one should I choose? What should I do?

To stay or to leave??

I've chose to stay for many many times but things never turn out as how I wanted them to be. Is it a wake up call that it's time to leave and see what I really want out of all this? But what if when I choose to leave and I regret it later? On the other side I keep asking myself that how many times should I try to make things work? I've been the one to try hard for the past one whole year when things started to turn upside down. I've pushed myself to the limit of my patience. However, if I leave now, is it gonna be worth it, why would I try hard back then? A part of me says that I should keep trying since I've gone this far, but another part says that enough is enough, if he wants me then he should have tried hard since before, not now.

Sometimes I really wish to see the future aheads me to help me to make up my mind. STAY OR LEAVE???

This is me!

For those who know me for some time, they know how I really am. For those who love me, they accept me as it it. When I'm not ok, I'm not ok.

I can't smile and act like nothing happened. I'm no fake! I can't act like there is nothing while there are so many things going on. I'm not like other people. I'm not a good actor, I don't act. If I'm not happy, I show my grumpy face and simply shut my mouth. I'm not like other who can smile and not feel guilty for something bad, I can't come home and act like there is nothing going on at home while having affairs outside. I can't tell people to look at me in the eyes to believe my words while telling all the lies.

If I tell people that I love them, I mean it. I mean every single word I say. If I say you are important it means you are and you will be my priority, not like others who can say love and those sort of things but still make the person feel like shit all the time.

Is it gonna be worth it?

One chance after another, how many chances I have given out. I'm not usually soft like this. I'm nice and being taken for granted, and when I'm not being nice, I'm called bitch. How many chances do people deserve to be given? How many chances have to be wasted before it is being full used?

I have tried again and again. But there is always question deep down inside me,"Will it gonna be worth it this time?". My head and my heart often argues, even when sleeping. The head says one thing and the heart says the other thing. Which one should I follow?

I guess the current me now that don't say much it's because I'm just used to being like this, because I remember when I used to voice out all my opinions, I was never been heard therefore I preferred to shut up. I have always this way, I always want people to realise their doings without the need of me pointing out everytime. If they know me well, they should know that I'm this type of person, especially after all the incidents that happened last year.

New year should be a better start for everything. When someone says that they want to change, how long will it last from the moment they speak it out, one week, two weeks, one months, two months? Then will the changes be for long term or short term? Do they really want to change at the first place? If they do, how much effort do they put it to make it better? These are all the things that count, not just the words "I want to change".

Friendship and emotional affairs

In this world, there are many types of friendship. Having a lot of good friends is a good thing and joy in life. They brighten your days and be there when you are in need. Friendship between guys and girls are normal in the current world norm. However, each party should watch what they are doing especially when they have their own partner, to make sure they know the border and not cross the line.

The friendship between guys and girls are appropriate as long as it doesn't risk any ongoing relationship. This type of friendship can start from just a random online friend, work mates, or long term friendship. But, who can tell where to draw the line between these two people? Do they even know what they are doing? Do they know what they share together might lead to something else? Is it pure platonic friendship or it starts to branch to emotional affairs?

Emotional affair is the non physical affairs between two people. It is the emotional tendency that grow between two people that started off from being friends. It also describes as the relationship between people other than their own partner. It is the affair at heart where your heart is This damages the relationship of one's with their partner. It is emotional cheating, and this easily leads to physical affairs.

Emotional affair is usually hidden from one to their partner, which means they try to hide this kind of feeling by masking them as friendship. Those who are involved in emotional affairs tend to hide the special friend from the partner which involves telling limited or false information to the extend of hiding the communication and conversation from the partner.

Emotional relationship happens to those who aren't really satisfied with their primary relationship. It mostly starts from workplace. Nowadays people spend so much time at work, online and investing their non-tired time less to the relationship. The main relationship is becoming the "leftovers". After from work, people come home tired and irritated and prefer to rest at home. Work is becoming their hang out occasions where they can have have lunch and talk about their problems. This people tend to dress nicely for work and show their best behaviour. They share common things and speak the same language like how tired they are, work pressure etc, therefore this type of emotional affair sparks. This leads to affairs between two coworkers aside of their personal life and relationship problems.

Here are some signs that you are an emotional cheater:

1. You keeps aspects of your intimate life for your "friend" and do not share it with your partner.
2. Your friendship shifts from platonic to romantic therefore you feel less connected to your real partner.
3. You think about your "friend" most of the time and you fantasize about them.
4. You feel recognised and appreciated and loved by your "friend" therefore you do not feel the need to bond with your real partner. You feel a distance between you and your partner.
5. You withhold and "cut off" valuable aspects of who you are, particularly your intimate time with your partner. You are not sexually interested and stop having sex with your partner.
6. You discuss about the things that you do not like about your partner or your relationship with your "friend".
7. You tell more things to your "friend" about what goes on regarding your work and your life than you do with your partner.
8. You feel that your "friend" has taken your heart.
9. You are dishonest about the extend of friendship and feeling for your "friend" to your partner.
10. You would be embarassed if your partner read your emails, notes or eavesdropped your conversation with your "friend".
11. When you are with your "friend" your body language communicates stronger than the friendship.

When a relationship where one partner has emotional affair with others, the relationship tends to have these characteristics:

1. Deception and secrecy. This includes not telling your partner about how much time you spend with your affair and inappropriate things that happen between the two people. They manipulate the situations. They may tell the partner that they are going to work or doing things in a group while in fact they go out with someone else. They also may not include the real partner in the conversation or trying to hide the real relationship to the affair or other people. The deception clearly shows that they are doing something wrong that undermines the existing relationship. In other words, if the meeting with your friend has no harm to your relationship, both parties should be able to tell their partners the truth about who they meet, what they do outside.
2. Fight more. When someone involved emotionally with a third party, they almost forget their primary partner. This person blame everything on the real partner therefore it leads to fighting and distant in the relationship.
3. Denial. The cheating partner tend to deny the affair and becoming offensive. They try to deny the sparks that grow in the friendship and becoming defensive.

Equality

All the plan from the beginning before we came here have changed thanks to your family, the caused of everything. The plan to come to Sydney together, find a place together, go back during the holiday together,everything is ruined. Poor me who had to take all the blame for everything. And because of everything, the relationship that we treasured and cherished changed as well.

Yeah, I did admit my mistake for playing around out of anger. I went out with another guy because of what your family has done to me. I played around and went out with another guy twice, I admit it. But at least I went out when we were not together. Even not when we were officially not together, but at least we were apart from one another, and not when we were officially in a relationship. And don't forget, when we were in a relationship, I flirted but I never involved my feeling to try to fall for others, to seek for attention from others, or to make others fall for me. I flirted but it never caused anything to our relationship.

From your side, you played twice as well. It is fair enough, I played twice and you played twice. But you played when we were officially together in the relationship. You told me that you know your limit and what you were doing. For both times, the girls, your affairs turned you down. Try to imagine if both keep continuing texting and chatting all the time? You said you know what you were doing. But somehow, if you know what you were doing and you know what you did might cause harm to the relationship, you should take action to stop instead of waiting for the other party to turn you down, sad and then only turn back to me and told me you knew your limit.

It is fair that both of us played twice. But there were difference still.I played around because I was so much hurt by your family,but when I came back, I was and am fully faithful and committed to us. When you came back, you told me you would be faithful but instead it happened again the same exact way like the first one. I flirted with guys before when we were together, but I didn't text people 24/7 and do things that would make you feel uncomfortable, and I didn't put our relationship at risk because I knew my limit to not involved my feeling. You played and flirted around doing things that made me feel uncomfortable, and still keep doing it with some feelings involved to the point that you forgot that you were still in a relationship. If it was just playing around with no feeling involved, I wouldn't mind. But the thing was, you went all gaga and fell hard for them.

I didn't say much even for the second affair because I reflected back onto myself that I played twice as well (although I played because of what your family has done to me). I think it's fair enough for both of us. After the two incidents that we had from both side, I do wish that these are the last time we played around outside. There is nothing wrong with being faithful and committed to each other especially if we know that is the person that you are most comfortable with. What will we gain while playing outside and fall for other people that we barely know and being infactuated for a bit but ruined the relationship that has been there for years? It's just like the saying of "When we are busy picking up the stones, we don't realise that we might lose the diamond". I'm smart enough to learn the lesson from all this, I hope you are smart one as well. Remember the line "Once bitten twice shy"? Don't just make it a saying, keep up with it :)

Lying and relationship

I've done a lot of readings about lying in a relationship, trust issues, why partner lies, etc. I've done this because of one reason, there is a trust issue in the relationship. He doesn't seem to trust me when he said he gives me his full trust, and I can hardly trust him because he has too many issues to hide from me. No one's perfect, even me. I don't deny that I made mistakes, I admit to it and it was stupid, but I work hard to make things up. While on the other hand, he made mistake and admitted it (only after a while) but he never seem to learn from the lesson.

What is trust in a relationship? 

Trust is knowing that you can depend on someone, to go to bad for you or simply be there for you. Trust is believing. It is about the truths. Trust is about telling the truth. 

Lie is one of the most killer factors in a relationship. Once you start telling lie, you won't be able to stop. The fact is lie and deception, false pretense, and keeping information are all in the same category, it's all the same thing. There are some reasons for people telling lies, especially in a relationship.

1.     To save the partner from being hurt

Some people believe that lying for this reason is considered as white lies. Some do this because they believe that their partner is too sensitive or can’t handle the truth. But in fact, people tell lies to save themselves, not their partner or the relationship. It’s better to tell the partner the truth than telling lies.

2.     Some people lie because they are selfish

This type of liar is problematic. It’s always easier for them to tell lies than the truth. This people lies on every things for their own good so they can get away from any problems they might encounter.

The truth is, somebody who lies has a lot of other stuff going on and it’s not easy to come clean. For a liar to change, they need a lot of help. Lying is manipulation. The more they tell lies, the more things they need to cover. When you lie in a relationship, it means that you are up to no good and most likely you are going to create an unnecessary insecurity and make the situation worse, for both you and your partner and the relationship. For example, if a man cheats on a woman for any reasons, but still has feelings for her, then he has a reason to lie. He may still actually want to be with her, but if he tells her it could destroy the relationship and her trust therefore they think lying about cheating could allow them to continue to have a happy relationship without her finding out about it.

Below are the signs of if they people are not genuine:

3.     They say one thing and do another

4.     They may be to agreeable all the time

5.     When challenged, their body language shifts and/or they get real defensive

6.     They make excuses for their actions

7.     They can keep their stories straight

8.     When confronted, they project the issue on you to place blame

9.     They leave out pieces of necessary information that would complete their story

10. They always find a way to play the victim

11. They carry a jealous, resentful and fearful disposition

How to fix a relationship after lying?

When you have told lie to your partners, it is difficult to win their trust back. Rebuilding trust in a relationship is difficult. Not all relationships can be fixed, but many can. It takes time, sincerity and consistency to rebuild the trust. Best ways to do after lying in a relationship:

1.     Stop telling lies and confess

2.     Decide what changes need to be made in a relationship

3.     Accept the consequences

4.     Answer all the questions with the truth

5.     Don’t be defensive

6.     Don’t lie anymore

It is difficult to maintain the relationship after all the trust issues and lies. To rebuild the relationship after the conflicts and negativitiy can be done by:

1.     Slow and consistent, take time to get things back to normal

2.     Be loyal to win the trust back. A relationship with secrets is destined for failure

3.     Keep things upbeat by having positive attitude towards each other to keep happiness and affections for long run

4.     Approach the problems and difficulties together to have a stronger bond in the relationship

5.     Don’t take each other for granted

6.     Appreciate and respect the differences rather than trying to change them and how they behave

7.     Be approachable for the partner to be able to talk and share freely, listen and understand and do not judge

8.     Keep the commitment by reassuring each other of their love and commitment